Rant Shmant: My big fat Indian wedding.

I wanted to get this post up earlier but sadly, my blogging spirit has been just like my life lately: lazy and uninspired. But from the last couple of days, I've been working out and trying to be more active. So, I figured today was the day for this post. You guys ready? PS: This one's gonna be long but truthful.

Indian weddings. Oh, the works. I want to kill myself already. It's not the wedding that bothers me so much but  the mentality of people in India. Even though I always fantasized about my wedding being in India, I've been reverting back from this fantasy. After my well-organized engagement which was pain-free, I realized I will get nothing like that in India without throwing around heaps of money. Somebody in India quoted my dad Rs. 2 Lakhs just for the flowers that are gonna be used for decoration. I am sorry, are you stupid? The worst thing about having a wedding in India - I will not get what I need the most - "control." Our engagement budget was okay for a reason - because the wedding was pre-decided in India. And I knew I am not gonna have this level of a party, so we made it grand in every way. And I am absolutely happy about that. But did I do it for people? No. I did it because I wanted certain colours, certain schemes, certain patterns, favors, and other things that  are pretty standard in every wedding in North America. Some do it very lavishly but we did what we could being comfortable with our pockets. Because everyone has an opportunity to make a decent living for themselves here, your social status does not necessarily reflect in your wedding (there are always exceptions). This is something that people in India do.

If I had the wedding here, it wouldn't be a crazy budget. It would exactly be like the engagement, nothing too crazy. You learn from your experiences and I figured out a lot of things about this business. I could have had a wedding and a reception in a good budget here, without the hoo-haa. We would not have needed a grand hall this time. Because the amount of people would still be the same - around 300. And that is not a lot. Decor is a good investment so I would have cut down on the banquet expense. It was all gonna work out the way I wanted it to. I wanted to have a religious wedding at the mandir following a court marriage. And we could have just done a 50-50 reception, which makes a lot of sense. The mandir procedures would have been done in the morning, and the reception would have been at night. That's it! It's over. You eat, drink, party and go home. And I would have been off to my honeymoon. But no. I am all set for a roller-coaster ride in India where it's all about the wedding, but not about the marriage. So, I just got engaged a couple of months ago... 6, to be exact. And now I have to prepare for the most cringeworthy part of my life.

Indian weddings are famously massive and elaborate. That is a fact we all are familiar with. I've grown to dislike weddings in India over time. I never thought I would but I have hit the realization. But it's a compromise on my end because his entire family is in India. I wouldn't dare contest the choice of country here because it would be totally unfair to him. But I can make the modifications needed to challenge the wedding norms in Indian society. Let's be real. People are gonna come, eat, drink, dance, fart, leave and talk shit regardless. So, it doesn't matter if one food plate is Rs. 2000 or Rs. 5000. You're still gonna find something or the other to criticize. So, why are we gonna spend our hard-earned money to feed your mouths? I can use that money towards my 4-week honeymoon and visit 4 different countries. That actually counts as an experience in life. You think I am being too harsh? I am not. I don't live in a dream world. There are only a few selected people who are happy to be a part of your wedding. The rest are there to see what you're doing with your wedding so they get ideas for their own. Whoever is left over is there to eat for free and take advantage of an open bar. And the guys come to look at girls and try their chances. I can give a couple more examples, but I guess you get the picture? It's not about the couple at all. It is not about the two people tying the knot. It's about the quality of food, what the bride and her mom are wearing, who is giving out gold to who, and which car did they get for Bidaayi. Was it just a Honda or Bentley?

A white friend of mine said, "I love Indian weddings!" I cannot challenge her view of Indian weddings because she sees them from a distant view. We see the internal reality. They see colours, a variety of buffets, laughter and dancing. But we know about the bitter relatives, people who create difficulties for petty issues, and the amount of money that goes in for a dikhawa. It is indeed a dikhawa. 

Everyone is concerned if the bride is wearing Sabyasachi or some other ridiculous $4,000 label on their lehenga. No one ever asks about the actual marriage. If I already haven't said it enough, it's all about the WEDDING. If you really just need a live party, I'll throw you one. What is the point of the night Hindu marriages anyway? By the time it is your muhurat for pheras, only your immediate family members are present. Everyone else has already gone home after their dinners and drinks. So, let me get this straight. I pay a crazy bill to feed you and you're not even gonna be there for the actual rituals of my wedding? Wow. Indian weddings make so much sense.

Let's talk about pressure and orthodox mentalities. The entire pressure is on the ladki wale. Because it is a female being given away, so their side of the family has suddenly become slaves. They are slaves to all the demands of ladke wale. This might not happen everywhere in India because we are somewhat progressing as a society, but let's get real... this is the mind-set in India from generations, no matter how much you progress.

Sometimes, your own family can drive you crazy with social pressure. You or your partner's parents might believe in crazy superstitions and poojas and other things for the wedding. So, you have to sit throughout crazy poojas without even understanding the point. You have no idea what the priest is saying but apparently, it's good luck, so just sit there and take it in. Take the aura from the pandit. He's blessing you with babies, wealth,  and the possibility of no-divorce, happy marriage. Because it's not the two people that make the marriage work, it's the pandit. Because if my planets meet his stupid planets, only then we're gonna be happy on this planet. LOL. What am I even saying?...

Indian weddings are about money and prestige. Aunties gather in groups and talk about your set-up for the wedding, your outfit, your makeup, the exchange of gold and money but never about how you may have found a suitable life partner that you're happy with. Indian weddings are a precise display of one's wealth and status in society. It has nothing to do with the ceremony itself. It has nothing to do with celebrating true love. The wishes of the bride and groom are overlooked because everyone is concerned about what people are gonna think. I don't give a fuck what you're gonna think. All I care about is... signing legal papers so we are lawfully wedded. Then, I care about fulfilling some aspects of our religion and culture such as jai-mala and pheras. I don't care about anything else. Not the people. And definitely not what they' think or say. I care about the marriage more than the wedding. And may be for a change, people should start caring about that as well.

The horrible gossip is my pet-peeve. This is why I want a private gathering of maybe 200 people max. I don't want the hoo-haa. Now that I have to idealize my wedding in India, I have certain ideas of tweaking the way things work in that country. I am honestly not gonna conform to those ridiculous norms. And I am not gonna let my parents throw around their money to make random people happy. Oh, and they still won't be. Because nothing ever satisfies people. They will still find something for nit-picking. And it frustrates me WHY EVERYONE IS SO CONCERNED WITH THE PEOPLE?! It makes me so mad that I had to write it in capitals. Who are people? Are they gonna be there when you're gonna pay your mortgages? Are they gonna be there for you when you need a bank loan? When you need emotional support? When you need a shoulder to cry on? No. It's your partner and your family. People are just props in your wedding. Sorry, if I sound too harsh. But it's true. Minus family, relatives who care (believe me, there are only a few), and good friends, you don't need anyone else's opinion. Does it look like I am throwing around a poll/survey around about the arrangement? No, I am not. So please, reserve your comments at least at the venue. Kindly wait until you go home and then, talk all the shit you want.

I wrote a post very long ago about how I expected my wedding to be. I said that I want to be a part of all festivities and rituals. It's true. I would like to have a dholki, mehndi, sangeet, maiyyan and all of that stuff in the privacy of my home with close people. I am not trying to buy a $5,000 lehenga to look pretty. A happy bride is the prettiest. I don't need an expensive garment to define myself. Wear your smile, not the labels. I want to design my own wedding lehenga because I want it to be unique, away from the labels. And it's not gonna be ridiculous. Nothing is gonna be overdone or ridiculous. There is a reason why I wore a simple lehanga for my engagement. It reflects my taste. I am not trying to  look like a Christmas tree (no offense to those who wear heavy stuff). It just depends on person-to-person. And this entire blog is my personal opinion. So, please do not take anything offensively. I know I will have more people to agree with me on this, than those who will oppose it. Cheers. Keep it real.