A chance for a life with meaning

How does one stay positive when life is taking all kinds of rough turns? Tonight was a cold night.. I was dressed in a sweatshirt, a leather jacket and a scarf. As I was reversing my car from the parking, my misty eyes and depressed thoughts were taking a toll on me. I continued to drive with switching hands from the steering to wipe the fast-shedding tears from my eyes. You know those tears that don't even take the time to roll down your cheek and end at your chin? I am talking tears that fall right out of your eye. I am not an easy crier. It takes a lot for me to experience such sadness.

I kept driving, feeling the cold weather and the silence in my car. You know what's strange? We used to cry as children mostly to seek attention or to indicate that something isn't right. We used to cry to get assistance from our parents if we were stuck. That crying was mostly physical, and not emotional. Now, as I experience emotional crying as an adult.. I realize, it is not a cry for help. It is rather a private cry to myself.. away from home or my loved ones. The shift from shrieking for help to trying to numb any voice in your throat and to control is different from our childhood. Now, it's more visual crying than vocal. I realized how silly I looked as I stopped at a red light and the car beside me could see my crazy crying expression.

This maturation fascinates me. Crying is one of those behaviors without an on and off switch. Dealing with uncomfortable feelings, anxiety, and emotional pain is extremely difficult. Creating a positive pattern of dealing with such feelings is even harder. At this time, I should be making proactive choices for my happiness. I should be excited about getting a chance that not everyone gets in their life. Instead, I am reacting to the negative things in my life.

I don't know if this is a known fact about me but I eat my feelings. I may vent through my blog but what I really feel remains hidden in the dungeons of my heart. I seldom share what I really feel. As a teen, I almost always numbed myself. As I grew up, I started communicating more and taking care of most of the issues. It is easier for me to resolve problems with strangers, acquaintances, co-workers and others. It is absolutely petrifying for me to resolve issues with my loved ones. In recent times, I have never come to a point where I just felt like crying until my eyes are red and raw. That point has come now.

I am sobbing like a crazy person and I don't have control over it. I feel overwhelmed by pain in a lot of aspects of life. I have a problem with pretending. I am not writing this blog to seek any kind of attention or sympathy. I am just writing it to take some of the burden off my chest. I have been shooking things away and pushing them down. I never deal with my feelings. I wait till a point until the feelings eventually deal with me. And that ain't a pretty deal at all. It is so unpleasant. This entire experience is so unpleasant. I don't want to get involved in any of it. I have been sitting with negative feelings for so long and I just can't do it anymore.

All I wanna do is.. divert my focus elsewhere.  I want to create positive feelings and live a little. I wanna be excited about things and live for 'ME.' I have a couple of days left before I leave. I will try to get my head in the right frame of mind before I leave. I don't wanna start off in a new place with the same old thoughts. I am sorry, I didn't mean to be all gloomy and depressed. It's only a day after my birthday.. and my friends, family and loved ones who put in so much effort to put together a surprise birthday party must be thinking I am insane to write all this stuff after a happy night. But I have to deal with my innards before I focus on the superficial exterior. I love you guys. Thank you so much for everything. I really mean it.