Lost & forgotten.

Why don't I ever see a red flag? Why is it that I get too involved in a situation and it's hard to get out? I don't even know how to identify a security warning for myself. Like, some sort of red flag should pop and say, "Hey.. this is where you want to STOP before you harm yourself."

I had a binge episode this week after months. I am not going to self-loathe. It's okay to have a recurrence after a couple of months.. but the feelings of guilt haunt me so much. I have so much that I need to fix. And I've taken this huge decision of moving out due to a variety of reasons. I am still researching my options and figuring out what I want to do.

I need to engage in a deep personal transformation. I feel that this process will be much easier and peaceful if I am not at home. I need to deal with the wrongs in my life one step at a time. I need to do it without being protected. May be, it's about time I feel some risk.

I know I've talked about self-love and acceptance before. I've talked about weight issues. I've talked about self-esteem and confidence and a ton of other things. When I wrote those things, they actually helped some of the people I know. It's always easy to write about it.. but of course difficult to adapt to when it comes to your own self. I am just going through my down phase again. Ideally, this time is supposed to the best, and it is when it comes to my fiancee. But just when I think about myself, I am not happy. And it's about time I change everything that makes me unhappy.

I need to get this emotional processing going. Sometimes, the best thing you can do is - give time to yourself.

It's easy to get a makeover. You can get your hair done and get fancy nails. You can put on as much makeup you look. You can fit in with new fashion trends and wear what you want. But it's the internal makeover that is much more challenging. How do you change what's on the inside?

I don't know how I changed so much over time. It's funny how we live life every day and think nothing has changed. But when you look back a year from now, everything will look different. I want to be the person who learns how to differentiate between right and wrong, and do what is right being able to IGNORE the emotional consequences of situations. I used to be much stronger and I feel that I am weakening as time goes by. I need to have control over myself and actions. I need to KNOW WHY things happen. I can't let things go by with excuses such as fate or luck. I need to live in the present and forget what happened in the past. I need to look into the future and ensure that it is a positive one. I need to have a powerful personality as I did before. I need to set goals and succeed. I need to be happier, and more satisfied with myself. I definitely need to de-stress myself. I need to cope better with difficult situations. I need to experience deep emotions but still able to evaluate with detachment. I need to have a good feedback for myself. I need to look at myself and be proud, and not unhappy and disappointed. And most of all, I need to be an independent individual - not only in terms of a job or money, but also an independent thinker where I am less influenced by what others say.

I need a new me. And I really need it to happen soon. Let's see where this endeavor in life will take me. All I know is.. I am more prepared than ever.