All men are the same. Or, are they?

Only if I had a dime for every time I heard the above sentence. I could buy myself more shoes. Just kidding. To be honest, there were times I actively convinced other people of this sentence. After a bad break up, you either go insane or anti-men. Well, at least in my theory. A break-up can either set you off in a positive direction or negative. Some people have the ability to stay neutral but I don't.  After my first heart break, I chose to be anti-men, for quite a bit. I summed up all bad relationships (whether it be mine or my friend's) by saying "all men are the same."

I am 3 years older than that statement now and I wish to change it. I don't think all men are the same. I think it's women who develop a pattern for dating the same "type" of men, which of course lands up in a bad break-up. I can admit it. In my teenage years, I was attracted to men who were bad-ass. The kind of men that were popular in school, not afraid to throw a punch where needed and have a great ego problem. I don't know why. But, that was high school. Then, after a horrible break-up, I was more attracted to men with a vulnerable side who were emotionally available. Then, I became the bad-ass (psychology?) and purposely picked someone who was emotionally weak, like I previously used to be. Psychology again? Hmm.

After I had experienced both sides of the spectrum, I found the love of my life. I think we can all admit that in a given situation, we have been weak and vulnerable. And in a given situation, we have taken advantage of someone else who was weak and vulnerable. As much as I hate politics, I think it works. Sadly, politics takes up a lot of space in some relationships too. Even the ones that are genuine and long-lasting. It helps maintain a certain balance to keep in spotlight the interests of both parties, with sacrifices and compromises here and there. May be, I am the only one that thinks this way. I don't know.

Getting back to the point.. all men are NOT the same. I think it's about time women should STOP being the victims and take responsibility for their choices. I certainly did after a while. WE choose the wrong men, over and over again. You all must be familiar with a very famous pattern men have - chasing after women that are hard to get. Who wants the easy chick? It doesn't matter if she loves you, she's too easy. She's available. She's an option.

I kinda have another theory about picking wrong men. If you've had a rough childhood.. and you haven't experienced many happy days in your family life at home, you will easily go for someone who fills up that void. Women tend to forget their actual qualities, they seem to focus on the one thing they are getting - love and attention. Unfortunately, that's not enough. There are many more things one needs in a relationship, which creeps up on us later. It will take you a couple of months or a year to fill that void, but what happens when you begin to notice the actual loopholes in your relationship? I think that women from disadvantaged homes have this in-built function to "keep the relationship moving" at any cost. They are usually the ones who forgive cheating, and give in to abuse. They are the ones who make it work at any cost and continue to be dependent on the love and validation of their partner, because they never had it in their life before. Also, some women follow the footsteps of their mothers to put up with men. The entire.. "Mommy and daddy had a billion issues but still never divorced!" idea. I find that quite sad.

Lack of self-esteem also causes women to overlook their partner's bad habits or behaviours. I have been there and I know this. When I was a teenager, I was awfully quiet, shy and unpopular. The only talking I established was with the guy I liked. Why was I attracted to a badass? Because he was all of the things I wasn't. He was popular and talkative. The entire school knew him. It felt great to be in someone's company who listened to me in comparison to other people who didn't even notice me. I also gained a bit of the so-called 'popularity' by being seen with him. Notice the pattern? The thing about teenage years is.. you are still developing and you're a work in progress.. but you don't realize it then. You realize this when you grow up.

Most of the times, we are attracted to men who somehow fill a void in our lives. You don't have to be from a disadvantaged house to fit into this category. You could be a people-pleaser attracted to men who are dominant and controlling. See, how that pattern fits? Unfortunately.. there are many more patterns such as this that not only make relationships unequal but also disastrous. The most repetitive pattern I have seen within my life is - women hooking up with men who took charge (the ones from disadvantaged childhood). The other pattern I often notice is shy men and dominant women.

You know when I had that bad-ass guy pattern back in high school? I was actually really stupid. I was instantly attracted to bad guys thinking that my soft and nurturing side will fix them. I always felt myself attracted to men who were screwed up because I saw them as projects. I prompted a man to quit smoking, solely because I was so eager to bring about "change." It kind of allowed me some sort of control. The sad thing is, the most innocent/nice girls get attracted to the exact opposites - bad men, thinking they have the ability to transform their partners. They are often the womanizers.

You know what? I truly believe that when it doesn't work out with someone, it is because you have better in store for you. I've seen people breaking up after 5 years of being in a relationship. It is for a reason. Also.. you can't leave it all up to destiny and fate at the same time. You gotta work with some common sense. You need to some work in order to determine how much you can leave up to fate.

The truth of the fact is - I was in this relationship before I even knew it. I wasn't looking for it. I wasn't thinking about it. I didn't even want it. In fact, neither one of us did. We were two people, two different worlds, definitely not looking for anything long-term. It was the last thing on our minds. Especially, with the age gap.. he was nowhere in my "Yes, you can think about marriage category." The most I thought - friendship or perhaps a few dates? I broke free from my destructive patterns by finding a total misfit, who has nothing to do with my old wounds. I've taken conscious steps myself to heal those wounds. It's done and over with. You can only truly move on when you have addressed all the issues of the past. You just cannot bury them and pretend them to vanish. They will come back and haunt you. It is better to pull it out from the roots and throw it away for good. If you learn a lesson, KEEP IT IN MIND for the future. Women ignore signs that they get in their failing relationships.

I am not a love doctor by any means. Trust me. I am just speaking from noticing other couples and throwing in a few experiences from my own life. Also, I am not trying to make men sound like bad guys. You can switch genders and women are equally bad, especially the ones who think men are their personal servants.

The root of the problem is not men, it is you. Deal with your inner happiness first, and then you can hope for someone else to make you happy. Self-esteem really matters in relationships. To free ourselves from devastating patterns that we have set up, we need to analyze what goes wrong and why. Usually, thinking about yourself and your actions teaches you a lot about yourself. Make sure your reason for love and having a relationship doesn't have anything to do with a "void" that you're trying to fill for any reasons. Fill that void yourself by dealing with your issues. And then there will be ample amount of space for a true and meaningful relationship.