My life, my food, my body.

As you all know, I wrote that paper on pro-ana/mia websites this week.. I've gotta tell you I kinda became obsessed with the topic. It's a Saturday morning, 10:07 a.m. I slept early last night after a brawl with my brother. So much for the first day that he moved back home. I must have slept at 10:00 p.m. and woke up at 6:30 a.m. I took a drive down to Tim Hortons at 7:00 a.m. and got myself a coffee and a breakfast sandwich. I went to sleep without dinner last night. What was I doing last night before I slept? Watching documentaries and video clips on pro-ana/mia. What have I been doing since 7:00 a.m.? The same.

I don't know whether this has to do with my crime degree, or me as a person being very investigative with topics that interest me... but I become literally obsessed. I will research a topic like crazy, and delve into it until I am satisfied with all the knowledge I have. I have watched reality television for anorexics and the obese, documentaries of model anorexics as well as normal people, and video clips of people filming their anorexic journey. It is mind-boggling to be on the other end of the story and have an inside look of what their lives are like. Btw, I am going to link all the interesting videos that I've watched, at the end of the post.

What have I learned? I wish I watched these videos before writing my paper. I crammed my paper in a day, but now I definitely believe that I needed more knowledge than that. Anorexics are definitely not people who just want to be thin. It goes both ways. When I wrote my health blogs, I told you guys.. "No one becomes 200 lbs simply because they like food." There is always some sort of psychological issue that is associated with it. Likewise, anorexics are not people who want to be thin. They are not sick-heads who want their rib-cage hanging for display. They, too have a lot of issues. There's a lot of stuff out there that can cause this. A sexual assault, a history of family problems, genetics, a school event, or just a night of internet browsing can be the turnover. A lot of people self-mutilate because of chronic stress or depression. And they go off into eating disorders later on.

As I mentioned earlier, most of them do it to gain some sort of control in their lives. Because their lives are so chaotic, they need an element of power that they can practice on their own. That's probably why they prefer to have lonely meals. And this goes for the obese too. I have been overweight, and still partly am. I know that binge eating for me was a ritual. I had a fucked up childhood. My parents were wonderful. I just had reasons outside of home that screwed me over. I almost had an abusive relationship that left me mentally exhausted. I self-mutilated for a period of a year (shockingly, enough). I was in chronic stress for over two years to get over what had happened to me in high school. I have been relatively unhappy the first two years of university, but with lessened stress. Being unhappy and being stressed are different. It's only recent (the last two and a half years) that I've found my ground. It's only recent that I made peace with my past. Therefore, I am definitely happy. Yes, petty stuff always happens, and to everyone and that's nothing to ruin your one life. In this case, I can actually reference YOLO.

Binge eating for me was a ritual. I would eat nothing for a major part of the day. And all of a sudden, with a mood swing.. I started eating uncontrollably. I would first eat hardcore junk food (Taco Bell, BK, New York Fries etc.) and then go off to buy ice cream or a slice of cake. I would binge eat at home when I was home alone. Or, the sad nights where I had sleeping problems for almost a year. I would eat till 2:00 am. If I had slept early, I would wake up in the middle of the night and eat. Was it because I loved food? No. Food was a comfort to me. Like it's comforting for ana/mia NOT to eat. It's comforting for them to avoid food and make it their enemy. It was comforting for me to make food my friend and cope with my problems. When someone has an eating disorder, whether it's being overweight or underweight, the prime focus of their life becomes their food or weight. All their heart-ache and painful emotions and situations in life give them a false sense of being in control. And trust me, it's not a good place to be.

Obsessively watching these videos has been such an eye opener for me. I was slowly slipping.. gaining the weight. I can see my cheeks have puffed up already by eating the amount of dessert I've had over the last while, simply because of moods. I missed my period the FIRST time since I started this healthy lifestyle (back in March). My periods were on point every month because of diet and exercise. My skin has pimples and does not look flawless anymore. I stopped taking my vitamins and drinking water. I am getting hair breakage. I can't make this a repetitive cycle for slipping and gripping. It's actually not as bad as I might describe it, but it's my perception. As you will see in these videos, people who are superbly self-conscious about their body and weight have deceptive perceptions about themselves.

After watching these videos, not only have I understood that I should treat my body like a temple. But also, that I need to break the association of my moods with my food. I need to find better things to do. And starting NOW I am back on it. I didn't put in all this hard work and effort for me to slip again, just because I am stressed with school or having trouble with my relationship. These are all excuses. Our health is our first priority, and it should not be compromised for anything. Delving into the lives of anorexics, bulimics, and the obese have made me realize that no body wants this. They just lack the help/resources that are needed in order to revive themselves.

For the overweight people that might be reading this.. if you've had a binge eating disorder, PLEASE get help. I've been there, and it IS a disorder. I've never talked about it before because I was a little ashamed. But these videos have only made me stronger to admit that I did have a problem. And because it was a disorder, I see it coming back. I've been binging. I haven't eaten anything at home in the past 2 weeks and spent above a $100 eating outside. I am lucky that I haven't gained much weight on the scale,  but it definitely has started showing on my face. I haven't binged like I used to because my capacity of portions has decreased overtime. But I've eaten way off my diet. I haven't exercised. And I have felt that loss of control over eating during my binge. Binge eating does not only include eating excessive amounts, but also fairly quickly. I've eaten to the point I became nauseated, all under the episodes of stress or emotional mood swings. Eating when you're bored and not even really hungry is a sign. Eating alone is perhaps the biggest sign. I actually treat it like a date with myself. As I said above, it was a ritual for me to watch my favorite TV shows while I binge. And afterwords, you'd feel guilty, depressed or disgusted, just like the anorexics would after eating what they're not supposed to. Emotional awareness is the key to free yourself from binging. I know that exercising and eating healthy over the last four months had changed me. And even though it was a temporary two-week slip, I am gonna go hard on myself and STOP right here and now.

Here is an article by CBC on binging: Eating to Numb the Pain

Following are the links to all the videos I watched:-

This is only an intro (but very interesting) to an 8 year old anorexic girl in the UK. I am linking the first part, and you will be able to find the other parts on your own.

Here is the story of a French model and actress: Isabelle Caro who actually took a toll against Anorexia. She was too unfit to carry on with the campaign but her photograph on various billboards definitely shocked the nation. Again, I researched obsessively and went onto Google images for her pictures. It was shocking.

Now, this is a video source that I used for my paper. This is a documentary by Fearne Cotton, a popular radio and television host. She talks to children as young as 8-10 years old in a school about body image, you'll be shocked to hear their answers. Again, I am linking part 1, and you'll be able to find all 5 parts by yourself. Definitely a must watch, because she tries some of these diet regimens.

This is the most recent documentary that I watched. It's the one I watched this morning. This was the eye-opener. I was a sad teenager, having tried self-mutilation and my childhood taken away with an assault and a tormenting heartbreak, I know what it was to see yourself slip away in the dark world of depression. The two girls shown in this video are very different, but similar. Lavinya, surprisingly has a degree in Nutrition and still continues her anorexic lifestyle. On the other hand, Katie is in DENIAL and thinks she has no problems. She doesn't see herself with an eating disorder. The denial is a major part of the disorder, and it's exactly what keeps them going. I would definitely recommend watching THIS documentary if you don't have time to watch all the others.

I am sorry if I've saddened you on a beautiful weekend. But I've been pretty fucked up the last two days thinking about myself and the loss of control, and my previous eating habits. I am actually glad that I got myself to watching these. Not only was it a learning experience, but it also made me more determined than ever before. For anybody, who has struggled with their weight or body image in life (whether it be overweight or underweight), only we understand the complexities of being in that situation. A third person, calling you FAT or BONY does not. I've been bullied enough times, and I've been taken down by many in high school. And with this beautiful change in life, dropping 33 lbs and finally understanding the purpose of food in life (which is actually to be healthy, get your organs to work properly and enjoy a little of taste for the sake of your taste buds once in a while), I am not gonna let it go. An eating disorder is not a physical problem, it's a mental one. And to treat it, one has got to treat their mind in the right way. With feeling terribly guilty and disgusting, I am also feeling extremely empowered for this realization and the fact that I am GOING to get control, hopefully, once and for al. This constant struggle of loss of control and gaining control in the lives of ana/mia and binge eaters is the major problem. And it needs to be taken care of. This is what Adele said, in the Rolling Stones.. compared to Kate Moss's popular quote, "Nothing tastes as good as skinny feels!" - which is HIGHLY and religiously preached by thinspiration cults and pro-ana/mia.

"My life is full of drama and I won’t have time to worry about something as petty as what I look like. I don’t like going to the gym."

"I like eating fine foods and drinking nice wine. Even if I had a really good figure, I don’t think I’d get my t**s and a** out for no one."

"I love seeing Lady Gaga’s boobs and bum. I love seeing Katy Perry’s boobs and bum. Love it. But that’s not what my music is about. I don’t make music for eyes, I make music for ears."