Your love gathered a storm.

As I write, with running mascara and eye liner.. dripping down my face... the screen is blurry. I will try not to make spelling errors, but if I do.. ah well, fuck it. I just drove from Rexdale to my house with teary eyes, almost with the fear that I might get into an accident. How does one wind up like that, after loving someone? Well, not a tough question. A part of a relationship is mere pain. It's hurt. It's negativity. Jealousy. Possessiveness. And sometimes, the lack of common sense.

I was sitting at a restaurant, trying to resolve things. You see, for me.. that Hindi proverb is best put. "Is taraf kuaa, doosri taraf ghaayi." If I try to remain silent, I get criticized for not talking and sharing my feelings. And when I happen to share my feelings, and open up, and discuss things logically - I get walked out on. If you can't take the heat, then don't ask for it.

I don't know how many times it's happened to you girls, but I was publicly embarrassed. I have so much going on in my life that I wanna share. I wanna talk to someone. Clearly, we all know who that someone is. I am being ignored and being told "I don't feel like loving you anymore." Well then, it was a good run. Find yourself a nice wife! I mean.. what the fuck do you want me to say? How would YOU feel if I say the same things? Here I am.. writing a million blogs about how grateful I am to have you in my life, leaving you messages, telling you that I miss you, dedicating songs to you, thinking about you in my day and night. And you say, "I didn't feel like meeting up with you. I don't wanna get close to you!"

Okay, then. I guess that problem is solved today. I have never cried in a public place, and no one has walked out on me with such brutality, leaving me alone. Thank GOD for those nice servers that I had. I was at a South Asian restaurant, and I knew one of the servers from a time before. The last time we went there, she said, "You guys are a sweet couple!" The couple that went there today was a fucked up one. He walked out over something I said. I was left to pay the bill at the counter, and he walked out of the restaurant. I ordered a sizzling brownie which had just arrived. Do ya feel like eating at this moment? NO.

The girl came up to me and said, "I am not gonna take your money until you eat. No need for you to cry, you're such a pretty girl." Another one joined in and said, "I would not walk out on my dessert for anything! So, sit back and eat your food because you're paying for it!" I sat back down because of their generosity towards me, and picked up the spoon to eat with shaky hands and teary eyes. I couldn't. I just couldn't. I asked them where the washroom was. One of them followed me, gave me a hug and said, "Don't cry princess! You're gorgeous, and you can definitely find someone who will value you more!" I went inside the washroom with a teary smile. I locked myself up in a cubicle and cried for ten minutes. Like a baby!

One of them came to check up on me and asked if I was okay in there. I tried to wipe up my tears and go out there and save the dignity that I have left. I stood there, ate my food, and was about to leave. One of them came up to me and asked, "What's your favorite ice cream?" I said, "Chocolate!"
I got up and paid my bill. I was just about to leave when one of the servers came out from the back kitchen with a bowl of chocolate ice cream. Strange how strangers sometimes care for you more than your own people. I was so emotional, I gave her a huge hug and sat back down. I had to eat the second dessert, even though I didn't feel like it just because they were so kind to me. After that, three of them crowded around my table and said some very positive things to cheer me up! They started telling me of their own instances, and that public embarrassment is not cool.

After the chit-chat, I went back out.. and drove home. I wish I could drive for longer. I took the longest route possible so I don't get home so soon. I don't deserve this. I didn't commit a sin. I didn't do something so wrong that it cannot be looked over. But I cannot live like this, tormenting myself and feeling guilty for stupid things. I shouldn't have to suffer and shed tears over the fact that he is so emotional, that he cannot handle things in a more sophisticated manner. I need balance in my life, and this is ruining it. I have an essay due Tuesday and a midterm for 25% tomorrow. I need to study, and not feel guilty. My eyes are sore, and I am gonna head to the shower, and make myself a nice bubble bath. I don't deserve any of this. So, I won't suffer.

When you truly love someone, you don't look for faults in them 24/7. You don't look for reasons to put the other person down or to start a fight. You don't look for mistakes. Instead, you fight those mistakes. You accept those faults, and you overlook the excuses. The measure of love is when you love without measure.

It was also said that by writing blogs it cannot prove that I love him enough. In that case, no more blogs about love from now on. I am sorry, I am not good enough. I guess a person has to skydive from the Himalayas holding a banner that says "I love you" to prove their love for you. The kind of love you look for, does not lie within me. And I am not sorry for that.