First off, I don't believe in the bullshit that arranged marriages are happier and love marriages are more prone to divorces. Sure, that's what the stats say. But I just think - some marriages work and some don't. There could be circumstances in both types of marriages. And I don't know if this will make sense but I think that a lot of arranged marriages don't end up in divorce because they have a lot to think about. It's a family union with lots of feelings involved; therefore, some people think of the humiliation they'd have to go through. I came up with this reason because I have witnessed this in my family. My aunt had an arranged marriage and she was married off to.. let's just say not the best of men. She begged for a divorce but could not get one because all her siblings told her that she'd be the first one to get a divorce in the family. She was forced to think of the implications of drowning the family name and what not. And they're still together, but it's a compromise, not a marriage. That's the difference. I guess you are more free-spirited if you've had a love marriage. Another reason I would feel free to get a divorce if I had a love marriage would be the fact that it was "my mistake." It would have nothing to do with my parents. Unhappy couples in an arranged marriage just choose to suffer quietly because they are entangled in the vortex of family, society and social norms. So that's about the "divorce myth" and both marriages.
A fact about arranged marriages - they're not so bad anymore. They have been modified in the society today. You don't have to cover your face with a veil and get married without having to show yourself or seeing your partner. Now, parents are much more cool in terms of arranged marriages (not everywhere, but the people who are less orthodox and have grown with the 21st century). They also know that it's crucial to know the person these days before you marry your son/daughter off to someone. People are like chameleons these days. You don't know what they are until you truly get to know them. Everyone is at their best behavior the first few days or weeks. The true colors come out later, that's what I feel. At phase one, you are just trying to impress the other person - saying or doing things you normally would not do. In a nutshell, I am comfortable with the arranged marriage idea given the opportunity to date for a few months.
The biggest benefit of love marriages - In my opinion, the best thing about a love marriage is that they are based on individual freedom. YOU choose to fall in love with the person YOU want, and YOU marry THEM without any social pressures or coercion. It would be a different story if your parents don't agree. But I don't wanna get into that. Let the benefit be a benefit without a con. It's an amazing bond because it's based on mutual attraction. It's not artificially created by your family.
The problem with love marriages - According to me, the reason love marriages fall flat is due to the Bollywood/Hollywood notion of love. People meet only for a short while and get married. Sometimes, they don't get a chance to see the real person. Infatuations and attractions are misinterpreted as love and that's when the divorce happens. Love just consumes them so much and other things kick in later. I am not saying that there is a timeline to fall in love. It may take you two days or two years but a marriage is something huge, at least for me. I would take my time with it, and not rush it. You only get a chance once to have this amazing day to spend the rest of your life with your partner. You wouldn't wanna go wrong there.
Again, a note - these are "my" opinions. I haven't done a research paper on this. This is just what I feel, and you may totally agree or disagree. Just don't form an image of an "ideal marriage" on basis of my writing. Everyone has their own types and expectations.
Mixed emotions (love and arranged marriage) - To think of it, some people are not comfortable with the idea of marrying a guy you've barely known. But If I feel that the guy is right, I actually enjoy the "curiosity phase" when you don't know the person. There is a strange awkwardness, when you're trying to figure him out. I wouldn't mind it, given the fact that he's my parent's choice and an ideal guy for me as well. I titled this "mixed emotions" because as much as I enjoy that curiosity phase, I also value the comfort and understanding a couple already has in a love marriage. You feel so contented and convenient to already be familiar with the person inside out. And that makes the journey of marriage much easier for couples. So, I have to give it to both of them for this one.
Things can go wrong in both marriages. It is really dependent upon the circumstances, time, and the people of course. I don't have a biased view towards love or arranged marriage. It can be anything for me. I am okay with marrying a person I don't know that well. I would probably take my time to date well. And I am okay with a love marriage as well. Whatever destiny throws at me! I am least worried about it right now. I am gonna be turning 21 this fall and I have got an easy 5 years before I have to worry about any of this. It's the "people" who make the marriage work, not the society or families. Overall, I think there are no rules or guidelines to this. I am keeping my mind open to both kinds of unions. To make a sensible comparison, a blog is the least appropriate way to find out what works and what doesn't. It's gonna need plenty of people from a society which accepts divorcees and a society where there is gender equality. Or maybe, a world survey? LOL. Seriously... it's what works for you. It's about YOUR beliefs, and ideologies about love and marriage. It has a different meaning to every individual. I wish you all good luck. Some of you are getting engaged and married this year and I wish you all good luck for your journey of love. Stay happy and blessed :)
Arranged marriage is a business contract. Before you all flame me, let's look at this objectively.
ReplyDeleteThere is no dowry being asked for in the 21st century (at least there shouldnt be), but it still does occur, just not so blatantly.
When making the choice of a partner for arranged marriage, you would look at several things, and their finances, family wealth, and family reputation are a huge part of that. Would you as a parent be willing to marry your daughter off to a poor guy, even if he was the most lovable, caring, kind, and trusting human being? Nope. Most parents wouldnt do this.
Since, most families do not want their daughter in laws to be working, itll be put at,
you are exchanging yourself, your services as a wife and all that it entails (cooking, cleaning, bearing children, caring for the husband, the mother in law, etc), in exchange for a roof over your head (your husbands house, because God forbid, you get kicked out and sent to your parents house), food, money, and other luxuries of life that you may or may not desire, but are supposedly entitled to. Because, in many cultures, we view it as a woman's ultimate goal in life to be married, and bear children.
This cheapens the idea of marriage, but in its core, it seems this way.
On the other hand, as for the divorce rates, I firmly believe, divorce rates within the Indian culture are low, not because people do not want divorces, but simply because not many people have the balls to make it happen.
Marriage is a fickle thing. It's only human nature that you will get bored of something, or come to under appreciate things you have been handed everyday/people youve been with everyday.
ReplyDeleteNothing lasts forever, and it is simply naive to think that a marriage can make that stride. Some individuals can make it happen, but lets be realistic here. True love is something only a FEW people find. Marriage is something almost EVERYONE takes part in.
Yeah, I am not gonna flame you or anything. But I am just gonna say that this is the least of my worries because this does not run in our family! I visited India and got a proposal from a super rich family, but my parents barely showed any interest and in fact, spoiled their relations with them. The guy was great and I would be guaranteed a lifetime of luxury but it was "my choice." And I said "no." It's not a business contract always, or so these days. But that's certainly the historic view and what arranged marriage actually was at first.
ReplyDeleteIn my eyes, now it's more of a "family approval" to marriage, rather than settling for the luxuries and necessities of life. Don't mind, but some people leave this responsibility on their parents PURPOSELY because they believe they are not experienced enough to judge people themselves. They believe their parents have seen more of the world and can view the guy with expert lens and have a better opinion than them.
But again, we can't speak for much of a population anymore. Things have changed, and in some places they haven't.
Also, I agree that marriage is a social norm. Something that everyone has to take part in, whether you want to or not. It's literally a "sin" in our society for a girl to be single and in her late twenties.
ReplyDeleteBut I don't agree with the true love thing. Again, you're entitled to your opinion and vice versa. I believe you can make love happen, even if you don't at first. That's how most arranged marriages work. But that's not a pre-requisite for me as far as marriage is concerned. There are tonnes of other things I would consider before that.