Underground Living

It has been no surprise that I have cancelled dinners / meetings, pushed away opportunities to socialize and withdrew myself from social circles this year. As we are only 4 months away from the new year, it got me thinking...

I have been nothing but silent. I like to stay dignified and I am non-confrontational. But help me God if the day comes when I have to confront someone, I am firing out all the bullets at once. People often say to me, "Aditi, you're home. You have a car. You have all the time in the world. And you still choose to sit at home? I would be out doing (insert a list of various things) right now."

The truth is... I was pulling back. Call it a social exile. A purposeful one, at that. A lot has changed inside me this year. That being said, people who love you don't let you alienate yourself. My family is my biggest cheerleader. I am so fortunate that they love me unconditionally, despite my moody behaviour and difficult tantrums. Often, I feel like I make their life harder around me. And then, I go into a guilt zone. I stay there, for days and weeks at a time. And then, I make a comeback by using one of my defense mechanisms and therapy techniques - either cleaning obsessively, organizing like a maniac or focusing on creating makeup content.

The part of me who used to "share" what's going on... is dead. You know what's the worse part of shutting yourself away from people? The fact that they don't even notice how long you've been gone. Or they just choose to continue with their eyes closed.

Being social comes naturally to me. Put me in a crowd now and I'll make friends in a minute. But is it worth it for the fake laughs, and the fake attempts to keep up with each other just to post a picture up on Instagram pretending to have "people" in your life?

You know why I post selfies more than people? Because people leave. 

Think what you may but I am fighting complete apathy alongside my chronic depression. If you can't feel much for yourself, you're not gonna feel a thing for friends/family. This underground living is comfortable. Very comfortable. To the point that I don't wish to put on a strong facade despite my wonderful capabilities of doing so, without a doubt.

I get it guys. I am not here for sympathy. I am finally here to start spitting out words like fire straight from the heart. And anyone that is going to comment and remind me that I was the advocate of "communication" and not bottling feelings up, please don't even try. That ship has sailed.