Grieving my own loss

I have had this blog active for 7 years now. I started in 2010 when I was a college kid. I started by writing about a boy who broke my heart in college. It wasn't even a relationship. I guess it was just a one-sided thing. Throughout the journey of recovery, I met my husband. Then, it became about falling in love. Marriage changes everything. Then, it became about the challenges you experience in a marriage. Also, about families and the difficulties one faces when your cultures are different.

Between all of this, I have written about sexual abuse, depression and anxiety. I have written about things that make me and break me. I have written about what I am made of. Every piece of me. I have relentlessly written about my mistakes in life. When I write, I don't have a filter. I don't write to make a point about something to people. I write to organise my thoughts and have an outlet for venting. I am blessed that I have my friends and other readers who can relate to my blogs. But I surely don't write things to make public announcements or to insult others. That's not my purpose of writing. I am going to stop posting my blog to Facebook because some people think that I write to bring others in bad light.

Depression is a very touchy topic for me. Maybe, because I know what it does to people, to me. Physiologically. Psychologically. Emotionally. It's not a good place to be. One of my closest guy friends (the only guy friend) in my life - tells me about my personality graph. He has known me for 5 years. He has seen the 'happy' me. It's obvious people change over time. But to have someone tell you that you have only gone downhill in the last couple of years reconfirms that I am not happy with myself. I don't know even know where the 'real' me disappeared to. When I stopped writing, the main reason was that I had a lot going on. And in those events, I just kept losing myself.

Yesterday, I spoke to one of my very old high school friends nearly after 7 years. The first thing he asked me was 'What are you doing these days?' I wish I had something fancy to tell him. I really didn't. I told him about the very few jobs I've had over the last couple of years. I told him that I had a career change and now I am back to square one with no experience. He says, "I am disappointed in you, Aditi. I used to look up to you." 

I was confident, secure, ambitious, full of life and carefree. I didn't live life based on norms. I lived life how I wanted to - without any restrictions. I had a very open mind. When your partner is the exact opposite from you, it can either be magic or a tragedy.

I have seen myself get weaker and weaker every coming year. Losing my battles. Things I believed in. I remember those horrible days when I used to hyperventilate while crying. Those days when I couldn't sleep till sunrise and had an active mind running all night. Those days when all I could do was blame myself for everything that went wrong. The endless crying and the non-stop shivering.

No one should ever give away so much of themselves that they lose themselves. When you lose touch with yourself, you lose touch with the world. I am not the same friend anymore. The same daughter. Or the same wife. I used to tell people to be comfortable with themselves and to LOVE themselves. I sit here typing this, as I hate myself. I don't think I have a right to expect love from anyone if I don't even love myself. I don't know how to help myself. Perhaps, I do know how but don't have the courage to do anything about it. I am desperately waiting to see the 'old' me come back from wherever I have lost her.

My head these days is a very dark place. I am losing myself in the silence. In the secret tears. In some fears. In the sadness. It's taking me away from reality. I feel worthless. My only relief is to sleep. At least when I am sleeping, I am not angry or hurt. I am nothing.

Will I ever be able to reclaim that girl that was all about being high on life? I don't even know when sadness became my new drug.