The Upper Hand

The upper hand, as we most often call it represents somewhat the power dynamic in relationships. I am sure you've heard your girlfriend or guys say things such as, "I am gonna dump her first, so I have the upper hand!" OR "I am gonna call him out on his mistake, and punish him for it so I have the upper hand!"

Even though, we might claim we are "equal" and we do not have any power-tilt in our relationship, it might not necessarily be true. Interestingly, there are hidden dynamics, that can be found. When you're dating someone the complete opposite of you, they are driven by different emotions, beliefs and point of views than yours. Something may call for an emotional drama for them while it means practically nothing to you. This causes chaos.

A functional relationship definitely has a lack of issues regarding power or control. We often hear couples say things such as "You're trying to control me!" I've said them myself. People mostly try to ignore such relationships and to stay away from them in the future. While others invest their time, emotions and a lot of their mental health to relationships that are so controlling.

Every relationship has a power dynamic, in some way or the other. You cannot say it is  100% equal. For example, he pays for everything. Instead of taking it as a nice gesture (but I do), try to look at it from a patriarchal point of view. The man = breadwinner. Woman = required to love and care, financial assistance is secondary. And it automatically puts me on the weaker side of the power control wheel.

The major issue with me, regarding power and control is how MUCH or how LITTLE freedom and individuality is given to me by him, and vice versa in the relationship. I've said this nearly a thousand times. I detest people who try to tie me up, forcibly. I want my freedom because I value it so much. I've always had it from my parents and no guy can just come and take that away from me. I need the freedom to associate with other people, without worrying for cheating instances (that's intense thinking, and it doesn't need to go there).

It is overwhelmingly difficult to be in a traditional, patriarchal relationship. These are the kind of men that will jump any guy that looks at you. He will be concerned about all the guys that hit on you. He will look through your social media accounts. It is basically a male dominated type of relationship found in conservative religion based societies. The role of the female is quite subservient - I HATE THIS.

Women, themselves provide this sort of power control to their boyfriends/husbands. We let them check our social media accounts. We ALLOW for them to question the people we hang out with. There is a thin line between care and suffocation. Clingy people often cross that line. It is okay to theoretically acknowledge that the male will be dominant where needed, and so will the woman. But females usually end up practicing subtle forms of power, only speaking for a few situations.

I am not the girl who needs a guy to push somebody away, if someone is hitting on me.  I can handle it myself. I definitely do not need somebody telling me who to talk to. I am a grown woman, and I have also seen some life. I can recognize what kind of people I want to associate with.

Co-dependency in a relationship is extremely important. Even though it takes a great deal out of your individuality, but at least it makes the relationship work without major power issues. You need to GROW as individuals, and as a couple. How can you allow that individual space, when you don't provide each other with any? A woman doesn't need her man to tell her everything about the workplace, the outerworld, about guys' psychology. I think we need room to go out there and experience these things ourselves. After all, this is life, right?

I always strive for a peaceful relationship, free of conflict. But that of course, does not happen. I wish to bond and connect closely with a HIGH level of trust that is mutual. I HATE explaining little instances where someone is talking to me, or hitting on me. It all makes me really frustrated. I am a free spirit. I need to be left alone, with the belief that I will never do anything wrong to you. I need room to maintain my individuality and not just perform or behave the way that is expected of me. SPACE is my first demand. I need that space to develop that sort of individuality AND maintain strong intimacy at the same time.

To achieve this kind of a relationship, the power dynamic needs to tilt on both sides, turn by turn. You decide where you need to be dominant, and where you can put up with his dominance. These decisions are to be made with effective communication. You need to sit down with your partner and TALK.
Talk about the nature of your relationship, and what you WILL and WILL NOT not tolerate.

This type of bonding, can take YEARS if you're both stubborn and unwilling to compromise. Or, it can take minutes for you to understand your partner's needs and accommodate them, for a grown-up, happy and satisfying relationship =) YOU choose.