Honest and unprepared

I am a really depressed person today. Well, I am depressed almost every day but today it's relatively high. It's not the workload (even though there is tonnes), it's about what happens after the workload. The applications for Master's deadlines are approaching. And I have no clue what to do. I wanna take a year off. I wanna work. But then, I don't wanna distance myself from studying and lose touch with it. A year off could make no difference for some people. A year off could make tonnes of difference for another person. I am that person, I think.

I am SO confused. And unprepared. I don't even know what to do. I keep up with my research every single day. I feel so lost. Law was always something that I wanted to do. Now, that I have to make an instant career switch, it's almost life-wrecking for me. I really don't know what else I'd do. A lot of people say I should teach because I would make for a good professor, since I am detail-oriented, good at communication, and explain things very well. But I don't know whether I wanna do that. I don't know anything, actually.

My teenage dream was to go to Australia for studies. I did not wanna pursue university education here. I don't know why. A lot of the people I know went for exchange programs and summer abroad programs which allow you to visit Europe and other amazing places to gain some practical experience in your field. I didn't take any initiative in my university years to do any of that. I just thought I was never good enough. And money was almost always an issue. So, I didn't. I still wanna move to Vancouver. I just wanna be sure of the program I am applying for, and the university.

But now, that I have my last opportunity to screw things up, just kidding.. I have a chance to pursue Graduate studies in a field that I wanna remain in, and make a career out of it. It's not Bachelor's any more. You can't screw this up. You can do Bachelor's in a bunch of things and stream off into completely different fields. However, your graduate studies don't allow that flexibility anymore. I wanna be SURE this time, and not regret things later. I don't wanna regret it like I regret UTM. I don't wanna regret it like I regret pursuing Crime, Law and Deviance. Actually, I don't regret this program so much. It was actually very knowledgeable but fucking hard at the same time. I just regret the jungle that I went to, for four years. And the life that I wasted by travelling on the bus like three hours one way. Hurray, right?

A relationship is also a lot of work, like academics, perhaps. You've got to make certain decisions. I wish it wasn't this hard. There's uber love but different things that we want in life. I just wanna go off for two-three years and turn it all around for myself. I had the worst experience doing my undergrad, but I wanna make most of my graduate studies. And then, find a job that satisfies me. And then, get married and have a cricket team and all. Okay, cool.

But it really isn't as easy as it sounds. I am intimidated by the friends who have already applied for Graduate studies. I think I might need counselling. Or may be, I just need to THINK wisely for once. A lot of the people know what they're doing and are determined about how to go about it. I wanna be in that place too. I wanna balance out studies, love, and life in a good way. I am tired of screwing things up. And from whatever I've learned over the last four years, I don't wish to repeat those mistakes anymore.

Just feeling low again today :( I am actually gonna make something of this depressing mood. I am leaving for the gym to attend a Zumba class to shake off the stress in a positive way. Cheers to you all. Have a great day!