Like a boomerang..

To conclude the above title into a sentence, "Like a boomerang, are all these issues aimed right at me, to bring me down." This year's kick-start has not been in my favor so far. All the days of this year have brought more and more misery to my life. I am not complaining. I am venting.

The biggest concern people have with me, is that I lash out at times. I am there to listen to other people, offer them solutions and help resolve their issues. But when it comes to my own, I am a basket case with mine. I don't like sharing, as I said nearly for the umpteenth time. Whose fault is it? My own. I have to pay for my own consequences. If I make a choice, to be silent and dwell on my problems in that manner, it is my own fault. If I choose to ignore the resources available for help, and all the friends and family making an effort to see me relieved, it is my own fault. If I am accentuating stress for the love of my life as he remains genuinely worried for me, it is my own fault. I have no right to provoke unnecessary stress in other people's lives because of me.

But what do I do? I met up with him nearly after a week yesterday. We are on speaking terms, except he is the only one speaking. It seems as if I have lost my ability to even have a conversation. It's sometimes hard to believe, that I am the girl people refer to as "chirpy, bubbly and full of zeal and enthusiasm." I am just more silent, observant, sad, and unhappy. Again, my own fault. But at least I recognize my own actions and reactions and speak accordingly. I will not whine about things and say that they are not in my favor. They are not in my favor because I don't take the necessary steps needed in order for me to bring them into my favor. If I am smart enough to realize this, I must be smart enough to bring myself to resolutions too. But I have arrived at my turning point. From here on, I feel numb. I just wanna stay quiet and give myself some time, to think some things.

I literally want to hibernate for a few days. I might be blogging regularly, but Facebooking less and interacting very less with people. I don't wanna answer my phone, texts (not that I usually do anyway, till people nag me about it), and not share a thing. I wanna do that till my comfort in this sort of silent therapy is over. When I feel, that it is time to get help, I will most definitely do so.
Something intriguing that touched my heart in the most profound manner.. is what he said to me yesterday. I told him.. that I am not myself these days. I think I need counseling rather than friends and family. I need to speak to someone who is not gonna judge me or be biased in giving me solutions to my problems. I need someone who knows nothing about me, prior to talking to me, to be able to truly judge me in a fair way. And as one might think, "Aditi is coo-coo and she is taking time off to seek clinical help." I pretty much told him to go on a break, and perhaps move on (didn't mean it though).

He said, "If you think love is all about going out, having fun, sharing meals, and laughter.. you're wrong. If you think I am gonna leave you when you need me the most, you're wrong. You can find anyone out there who will go out with you and do the fun stuff, but I am gonna stick around for you the most at a time like this. If you need time off, I am always here, you take as much time as you need. But I ain't going nowhere."

Having this sort of affirmation from your love, and still being unhappy.. feels like a curse. I wish I could be as precise in life, as I am on my blogs. For the most part, I am.. but just when it comes to dealing with problems, I feel like that strong girl in me hides behind a garbage can or something, and the coward in me, comes out. That's not how I want to identify my personality. I have never been afraid to write anything about me, publicly, knowing that my blog gets thousands of views. And I never write anything that is of hypocritical nature, or something unrealistic or nonsensical. And I am not afraid to admit that sometimes, I am a relatively weak person, who loses faith to a point where she cannot deal with everyday problems, and becomes afraid of facing the infallible realities of life.