My life in words, many words.

Sunday, January 1, 2012

I am never good enough.

I really didn't wanna start the first blog of 2012 this way, but I really have no choice. It's 3:43 am and I just had a little argument. Well, an argument usually involves two people TALKING, and debating an issue. But in my case, what I have recently started doing is, instead of being upfront and straight up like I usually am, I have began to bottle up again. I thought I was done with this technique for friends and others, I only use it at home. But no, I guess I have to be silent, may be I will be better understood.

I don't know what all I can do or give from my side, in order for me to be perfect. When two people from different worlds connect, there are many things you have to work on. And I really hate, and I mean "hate" when someone brings up an accusation against me without knowing the gist of the story. If you put a sentence this way, "You lied to me," that IS an accusation. It's not saying, "Did you lie to me?" You see, then there is room for an explanation or clarification. It might seem like a petty thing but to me, it is not. Communication matters! If you are gonna start off by saying "You lied to me!" I am probably not gonna be nice to you in return, to even explain what the truth is.

Another thing, I hate restrictions. I always had this problem with nearly all my relationships. It's okay, you can put legitimate restrictions on me. I am cool with that. Another thing is to monitor my every action. What I say to people, whether I swear or not, who's wall I write on Facebook - that to me, is NOT cool. I am sorry I have to even blog about this, but I am not in the mood of even talking. This is not how me or you wanted to spend the first night of the new year. I am sure no one does. It was just completely unnecessary. Despite my explanation, it just wasn't believable. You cannot be a third person in two people's conversation and make assumptions on your own. And most of all, why not just let some things be private? Why does everything need to be monitored and judged? Sometimes, I gasp for breath! I don't like justifying every action of mine. I am a human being, with a human brain, of my own, and I am pretty sure it works.

I like to be responsible for my own actions. I like to be the judge of everything in my life on my own. If you are older than me, you have a better understanding. It's good that you warn me about things before hand. But I won't learn if I don't see them for myself. It's a part of growing. Let me do my growing-up by myself! I have a set of parents at home. And really.. it's just too much sometimes.

You don't bring up problematic topics, and then say.. "Oh.. please let's be happy." That does not happen. When my name is put together with another person, I will very much obviously feel bad. It hurts when you shower upon tonnes of love on a person, and it is just never enough. No wonder you always find something to always complain about. I sometimes think, how many times have I complained to you?

Anyway, I think bottling up feelings is now my comfort. It has become my habit. I just feel comfortable being silent rather than saying anything. No, it's not a good thing. And I shouldn't do this. But I really can't find a better alternative. If you have one, please let me know.
Author: at

3 comments:

  1. tywJanuary 1, 2012 at 11:20 AM

    Hey I know how bottling up your feelings is. I do this a LOT. Often times with me though, these feelings eventually just dissipate (or become ignored? Theyre still present, just not acknowledged. But at this point, Ive reached indifference. I really do not and will no longer give 2 shits about a) the situation or b) the person(s) involved.

    In your case though, I really think you should avoid bottling your feelings. Bring it all to surface when you feel it. Because it will harm you and your relationship on a whole new level later on. You might, as I said, feel indifferent to the person and the situations (which is no good with the bf), or you might feel as if you have the right to go extra hard and get suuuuper mad because you've been suppressing everything for a loong time. Thatll be disastrous for both parties.

    That's just my two cents. Sorry if it doesnt work/you disagree.
    Happy 2012! Smile, it costs nothing, and it makes your face, and the experiences of those around you significantly better. A beautiful smiling face is never a bad thing to be around!

    ReplyDelete
  2. TeenzJanuary 1, 2012 at 4:55 PM

    I knew you'd comment, and I also knew that you too do this to yourself. And it's not cool. Indifference is not cool either. I used to be at that point earlier, but now I have developed feelings again (being in love).

    My past blogs suggest how ignorant I was towards the situations and the people. But only recently did I start expressing a bit more. What I realized is that I become a bit too honest while expressing and it always backfires against me. So, I will stick with being bottled up.

    I know this isn't gonna be good for either one of us, but I don't have the mental energy to deal with this anymore. I give up. But thank you for sharing your perspective. And, I always smile :) through the good and bad. I hope you do too!

    ReplyDelete
  3. tywJanuary 2, 2012 at 4:03 PM

    Thanks love. I always do smile. hahaha, sometimes i think im fucking delusional to be so happy. but anyway.
    you shouldnt bottle up your feelings, its ultimately very bad for you and you only. (and me, when i do the same)

    hopefully this is an isolated incident and it wont have to happen again

    ReplyDelete

Subscribe to: Post Comments (Atom)