Happiness IS you.

Hi. Originally, I was not supposed to write a "lovey dovey" blog until later, but I am doing this 5 days in advance, because you need it. Initially, I was going to do it for our five months, but because of the things you said today, I think you need it the most. You need to re-evaluate what you think about yourself. I don't write wonderful things about you to please you, or let anyone else know how great you are. I write them for you to read when we're not talking to each other, to remember.. that it doesn't matter if you're wrong or right, you are always wonderful. And that the love is not going to change because of fights, disagreements and what have you. You are in a constant state of conflict about many things. People who don't fight are not normal. Arguing is an important tool, not only for communication but also to learn things about one another that we might not get to learn otherwise. You need to stop playing the blame game. It is never one person's fault, in most cases. It is always the two. Hence, the two should resolve it. The two should work on it. The two should say sorry and mean it. The two should make efforts to clear misunderstandings. The two should not punish each other. The two should be considerate. I can write a book on "the two." But in all seriousness, we are not perfect individuals. We are GOING to make mistakes. If we do not forgive one another for the mistakes we make, there is no room for learning. What am I getting at?

1. It is absolutely normal for people to have numerous arguments (I am not suggesting 7 times a day).

2. Human beings make mistakes. Forgiving or forgetting is embedded in our own nature, it is up to us how we want to treat the situation. Everything comes with a plus and minus. We decide what sign we want to choose.

3. Agreements should not come to.. "let's break up!" They should not be mistaken for "let's break up!" Just because you two are in conflict does not mean the relationship has nothing else to offer. I think it is quite ruthless to forget what you two do for each other on a regular basis. Apparently, everything disappears in thin air when people fight.

Tip:- You always tell me not to bottle up, right? Alright. I will listen to you, if you listen to me. Yes, it is a condition. When most couples fight, their instinctive reaction is to bring up previous issues to not only add to the argument, but make it worse. This is how I look at my problems - one at a time. Baby steps help you make wiser decisions. If you solve one problem, and it is done and over with, PLEASE don't bring it up in another argument. Here is what most guys do.. when things happen, they remain silent and observant and keep piling on the information (and that makes it bigger in their head as well, and worsens it). When their bottle is full, they will obviously over-spill. And their bottle is usually full when there have been numerous accounts of arguments, where they haven't spoken. Usually, when it is your fault, they bring up all the piled-up information as a nuclear weapon to attack you. I think it's absolutely ridiculous to bring 6 previous issues in a current argument that are irrelevant to the matter. That only brings down the other person, and makes them feel as if they are the perpetrator of all the arguments and fights in the relationship. One should forget an issue when it is resolved, and not bring it up unless really needed.

And the thing about happiness and unhappiness.. it is ME and YOU who decide what happiness or unhappiness mean to us. It is not other people. It is not a generic scale. It is what makes US happy. The actual secret behind happiness is that, you have to make yourself happy before you consider making your partner happy. That is what I was trying to explain to you from so many days, claiming that I need therapy. I am unable to deal with anything else, and to provide happiness for others, if I am depressed myself. In the struggle of life, we lose track of how we become unhappy and who is responsible. We create so many automatic emotional reactions over the years that we have become unfamiliar with how to make ourselves happy. The blame game is often played to figure out the reason for the unhappiness. But if we come back to the idea of making ourselves happy, it resolves more than half the problem.

Happiness is from within. When you ask someone, what can I do or say to make you happy, it's kind of feckless. Only you can make yourself happy. You need to be in your sane mind (which I am not at the moment) and need to have a good self-esteem and be happy with yourself and surroundings. I put up a nice act most of the times, pretending to be happy, just so you can be happy too. But it's kinda useless. Because we are too familiar with each other to find out what our true smile or laughter looks or feels like. Honestly speaking, I just need a few days, till things are settled. I am not a relatively unhappy person. I complain a lot in life, but usually.. I find happiness in almost everything I do. And what makes me the happiest, is you. Am I contradicting myself? I just said happiness is from within, right? Well.. when I am with you, I am my total self.. and being myself (not being judged by you) and making a complete fool out of myself all comfortably, makes me happy. You know how stupid "myself" is, right? LOL. I am an idiot. And I can be that with you. And when I am happy with myself, then I have the capability to include you in the equation. I hope I am making sense (I am in my head, I don't know otherwise). But, you get the point, right?

Also, to clarify the last thing you said.. about "material" things..
Firstly, there are different aspects of happiness. Happiness could be material, logical, and spiritual. Yes, you do material things (as I always mention little stories on my blog about what you do FOR me etc.) but that does not mean that is all there is. There is logical happiness, when I am trying to ask myself, whether I am happy? Whether I have fulfilled my self-needs as an individual and whether I have the self-esteem to perform certain tasks and do things in life. That is logical happiness for me. When I sit and evaluate my academics at the end of the year, and check if that is in accordance with my goals, beliefs and aim, and if I have accomplished them, that is logical happiness. And then sweetie, there is spiritual happiness. The kind of happiness you get from friends and family. In this case, you. The feeling of loving someone and being loved back. The warmth of your hug and the touch of your skin, when you feel that it is more of a soul connection rather than a bodily one. That is the attainment of spiritual happiness.

It is absolute nonsense for you to even think that you make me unhappy. "Unhappy" is a very robust word. In future, please put some thought towards it before using it.And in my opinion, you satisfy all three for me. And you must be wondering, how?

1. Material
All the things you do for me - the surprises, the dinners, the presents, the visits, making me feel special etc. are all part of the material happiness. Even if you take this sort of happiness away from me, it can't even touch the effect of spiritual happiness. Everyone can attain this happiness through someone or the other. It is easy to go off to a mall to buy something for someone. It is harder to be the someone the other can't live without.

2. Logical
Even though this happiness has to do with me, and my goals, dreams and ambitions, it is still intertwined with your happiness. You said, that my dreams are more important for you to fulfill and yours are placed next in priority. It is you who encourages me, whether it may be studies, or a job, or to speak up in my family, or to dance, to go to the gym, and to do anything that I wish to do. It is you who is always there for me, whenever I am not happy with myself or my performance in life, to tell me.. that I can always do better. I feel, I would give up most of the times, if it wasn't for you. So then, you are indirectly responsible for this happiness as well.

3. Spiritual
The fact that you want to love someone so terribly is the first realization of this happiness. The fact that we can be in a "fight" and still meet each other, and care for each other during a fight is amazing. People must be wondering, "These guys hang out when they're fighting?" Do you know how cool that is? Yeah, we're cool :)
When you realize the depth of our love, I will start making much more sense to you. It's serendipity, I tell ya.You know it's spiritual when you can literally hear each other's silent thoughts, and read eyes, and complete sentences for each other. That sort of therapeutic comfort you get from one another that isn't possible elsewhere. That's how you know, it's love. 


I have tried to explain myself, the best I could. And if you still don't get it.. then I am sorry. And I know for a fact, that you don't get it.
In fact, now I am a little pissed off.
So excuse the second half of the blog, for abusive and ridiculous behaviour. READY?

Since, you never get what I say.. here's a more angry way of me trying to express it for you.
I fucking wanna marry you.
I wanna fucking get engaged to you in two years.
Then, I wanna have a fucking lavish wedding in India, I don't care.. you're paying 50% of the expense (thank you, darling).
I wanna fucking go to Paris with you (I've been there, but I wanna go to the city of love WITH my love) for our fucking honeymoon.
And, I fucking want that $569,000 house that I just sent you the MLS listing for!
And once we move into that house, I wanna raise the fuck out of our kids.
And give you all the fucking love and support you'd ever fucking need.
And fucking clean the entire goddamn house for you.
I will even pack your fucking lunches so you don't have to eat unhealthy foods on the go.
I will fucking keep your night clothes ready and towel hung in the washroom before you shower.
I wanna fucking wash our clothes so fucking good and leave them ironed and folded in our master fucking closet.
Then, I wanna buy a fucking car of your choice to drive our beautiful fucking babies to parks and things.
Then we can go to some fucking parent-teacher meetings and meet the fuck out of our kid's teacher. Then, judge the shit out of her in the car, while driving home.
And we can pile all the children in our in the car of your choice (please make it Audi.. thank you) to go to the store and shop for groceries so hard that we actually have to make more than two trips to get all that shit inside the house.
And then, I will fucking cook all that and feed you with my own hands, because you're one of them babies anyway.
And then, wash the shit out of the dishes together until our hands get like, fucking pruney or something.
We'll watch our kids fucking graduate and tear up like the bad-ass bosses like you are.
We will grow so damn old together, we will look like fucking raisins.
Holding each other's fucking hands so hard that we shit ourselves until we die and rot as corpses together.
Till death do us fucking apart.
HAPPILY ever fucking after.

There. Said it.