Emotional Exile

Hello readers. 

Miss me? Or my non-existent blog which I always think dearly about but can never commit to?

Life has taken a 360 in many ways. And unlike the past, I have arrived to a place where I don’t find it necessary or helpful to share what’s going on. This isn’t coming from a bitter place. It’s coming from a place of a social exile. Yes, you are free to judge. That is partially why I write my opinions because I welcome discussions of all sort – good or bad. Have you reached a phase in your life where you’ve lost importance for having a circle of friends? 

Look, I just turned 29 two months ago. So, this is not a story of youthful arrogance where I am upset about some baseless drama. This is truly from a place of self-healing, self-expression and solitude. I just value that over connections. I mean, don’t get me wrong – I still have friends. I socialize. I go out. I talk to people. But I have closed all emotional doors. I feel a strong disconnection from everything and everyone. I don’t know whether that is the result of my current life state, but it is what it is. 

That being said, I am not completely lonely because I am very expressive with my family and my husband. And it’s come time to know that they matter the most. I used to despise people that wouldn’t open up. I would confront them and ask them not to stonewall me. Here I am, doing the same thing. I guess, it’s time that I understand why they had their guard up.

What do you think? Have you experienced emotional numbness to the point that you don’t care about people in your life? I am pretty sure most of you may have experienced it at least once, even if it’s a short while. Because quite often, the feeling is temporary. 

I think it’s an act of cowardice to protect myself from further emotional or physical pain. However, emotions can be empowering too. Many of my life decisions have been emotional and they have turned out to be the best ones. While I am in this stage of voluntary isolation, I would genuinely like to apologize to all my loved ones and people that are sincerely invested in my well-being. 

Do you think it is extremely selfish to choose a place of emotional comfort by detachment? Thoughts?

Underground Living

It has been no surprise that I have cancelled dinners / meetings, pushed away opportunities to socialize and withdrew myself from social circles this year. As we are only 4 months away from the new year, it got me thinking...

I have been nothing but silent. I like to stay dignified and I am non-confrontational. But help me God if the day comes when I have to confront someone, I am firing out all the bullets at once. People often say to me, "Aditi, you're home. You have a car. You have all the time in the world. And you still choose to sit at home? I would be out doing (insert a list of various things) right now."

The truth is... I was pulling back. Call it a social exile. A purposeful one, at that. A lot has changed inside me this year. That being said, people who love you don't let you alienate yourself. My family is my biggest cheerleader. I am so fortunate that they love me unconditionally, despite my moody behaviour and difficult tantrums. Often, I feel like I make their life harder around me. And then, I go into a guilt zone. I stay there, for days and weeks at a time. And then, I make a comeback by using one of my defense mechanisms and therapy techniques - either cleaning obsessively, organizing like a maniac or focusing on creating makeup content.

The part of me who used to "share" what's going on... is dead. You know what's the worse part of shutting yourself away from people? The fact that they don't even notice how long you've been gone. Or they just choose to continue with their eyes closed.

Being social comes naturally to me. Put me in a crowd now and I'll make friends in a minute. But is it worth it for the fake laughs, and the fake attempts to keep up with each other just to post a picture up on Instagram pretending to have "people" in your life?

You know why I post selfies more than people? Because people leave. 

Think what you may but I am fighting complete apathy alongside my chronic depression. If you can't feel much for yourself, you're not gonna feel a thing for friends/family. This underground living is comfortable. Very comfortable. To the point that I don't wish to put on a strong facade despite my wonderful capabilities of doing so, without a doubt.

I get it guys. I am not here for sympathy. I am finally here to start spitting out words like fire straight from the heart. And anyone that is going to comment and remind me that I was the advocate of "communication" and not bottling feelings up, please don't even try. That ship has sailed.

Long-Distance Friendships

What is the trickiest part of long distance friendships? Unsettled emotions. And what is the one ingredient that sets the unsettled emotions on fire? Silence. Because that is when you start building an invisible wall between you and your friend. Wouldn't it be easier to just talk TO each other instead of ABOUT each other?

Keeping up with our busy lives and friends is already difficult. But when it comes to long distance friendships, it is even more difficult because you don't get to see each other at all. You'd like to think that when you have the other part of your soul - you'd do anything to hold onto it.

People say distance doesn't matter if there is love. I'd like to add: in this day and age, distance matters. You feel a sense of abandonment when your friends and you cannot do anything together. They move on and make regional friends in their respective areas. And that is just the honest truth because life happens. And convenience is also important.

I've never been in the place where I plunged into correspondence with my BFFs and they didn't reciprocate. But I feel as though, the essence of our friendship has been somewhat compromised.  And no one is to blame for that. I've never been the kind of person to have tons and tons of friends, but the friends I do have are incredibly important to me. And that is what makes it hard sometimes. Because you only feel hurt by the people you love.

Life gets busy for everyone. And it seems to get busier the older we get. Marriage, kids, buying houses, paying the bills etc. Or may be just getting your day to day tasks done. Time slips away and before we know it, 3 months have gone by. Now, the good thing about a BFF is that you can go weeks without talking and when you finally do connect, it is like no time has passed. But the time HAS passed, the time that we cannot get back. That is what we fail to understand. Sometimes, our friends get left behind. And sometimes, we don't include them in our milestones, in our big or small life events. They come AFTER the fact.

Sometimes, I hear a song, or look at a Facebook memory... and think about those old times. I've had t to say some tough goodbyes with a brave face on and push forward. But the truth is, I miss my friends. I just wish we didn't put friendships on the back burner when life gets in the way.

To ALL MY FRIENDS, I miss you. Thank you for being there. Wherever you are. Whatever you are doing. I am thinking of you.