Valentine's Day Wisdom

My husband and I celebrated our 4th year Wedding Anniversary 2 months ago. We've gracefully stepped into our 5th year. Since, today is Valentine's Day, I couldn't find a better time to share my thoughts. And may I just say, there are quite a FEW thoughts, lol.

Firstly, I am glad we haven't killed each other and are still a functioning couple. No defects. No wear and tear. Wait, a minute... that sounds like I am talking about our car's tyres. But seriously... we're fine. My husband may have altering thoughts about this but please don't listen to him. I've never listened to him and that is why we have a fantastic marriage :D

So, what's our history? A year of dating. A year of being engaged. And then we tied the knot a year after. At first, it didn't make sense. Everything happened at lightening speed - and we frankly needed more time to date. But here we are now. There's so much talk in regards to the wedding day. A lot of research goes into the lehenga designs, other outfits, jewelry, makeup, locations, shoots etc. However, very little is said in regards to the "real marriage" that comes long after the wedding.

That realization came to me when I was standing in the kitchen of an Etobicoke condo with a spatula in my hand, not knowing what the hell "Tadka" means, while Facetiming my mom. Let's just say, I've had my fair share of burnt dishes, very, verrrry bad tasting food and a whole LOT of takeout. Ahem, that still happens. A lot of my friends say, you don't know "real marriage" until you have a child. I mean, I can't relate right now but I am sure they are correct. Everything is a transition in life. It was a HUGE transition for me to live with someone. Hell, I didn't even allow my brother into my room for even one second as a teenager. And here I was trying to watch this man throw his undies and socks around the house. (What is with that, by the way?) Anyway, I can only imagine what it would be like to share space with a third. I am clueless as to what those dynamics would be. But I would be extremely interested to know - new mommies, feel free to comment :)

So, back to "real marriage." I can tell this post is going to be a long ramble. Real marriage is a lot more than just making promises. It's when you're put to test for everything. Sensitive relations, interfamily emotions, everyone's opinions and varying personalities = IT'S NOT EASY! So, here's the good and bad:- (from my personal experience)

1. You have your girlfriends tell you time to time - "You've changed after your marriage."
Yes, my friend. I have. I am supposed to. We are all supposed to. It would be stupid to stay the same old me. And you won't understand that until you get married yourself and go through the same experience. Marriage means new responsibilities, some restrictions, obligations and sacrifices. Those experiences will change you as a person - but for the good. Now, sometimes.... I unleash my teenage self when I am with specific friends or by myself (lol) and we shall never discuss what we do. Change is a part of life. We all need to change a bit to adapt to each other - else, it's going to be one rocky ride.

2. Listen, you will drive each other crazy sometimes. And that's allowed. But you have to let the little things go. At first, I used to get full rage at my husband's habits around the house. If you ask him to find you something, he will bring you the whole drawer and ask you to find it yourself. If you ask him for an item from the fridge, he won't move around anything and will expect for the item to be sitting there with a halo around. That's when I become a crazy bitch, lol. However, I've learned to just rephrase my sentences and be MORE specific (waaay, more specific than required, ahem ahem). As a couple, you have bigger issues to worry about than your husband throwing his dirty socks on the floor, riiiiight next to the laundry basket (true story). 

So, what are those bigger things that we should worry about? Not hurting your partner. Developing an understanding where your partner doesn't feel lonely or pressured in the relationship. Creating equality. Loving each other unconditionally, even on days when you don't feel like it. Marriage is work. There is no timeout. It's about respecting your partner and not doing things that may offend them. And this goes both ways. It's also about doing things without ever saying them out loud. It takes time for TWO people to become ONE. For some, this is a natural process that may even happen before the marriage. Not the case for us. It took us TIME to really understand each other's POV.

3. You need to create your own family traditions. It gets tricky when you are raised in a different household (in our case, an entirely different culture). I wanted to push for things that were a tradition in my family and he wanted things as they were taught to him. But the best thing to do is to find middle ground and create new traditions of your own. After all, you will transition into a family of your own and your kids will need a value system to attach to. This is the best way to create something that's a merger of the two of you. This way, both families are able to pass down their values!

4. You will have money issues. Thankfully, I've never had to go through this. But I know couples that have problems regarding transparency of the money being spent i.e. secret accounts etc. But it is important to establish a clear system with your partner from the very beginning. One important lesson is: never let money spoil relationships. You can earn that money back but it's hard to sweeten a relationship that has gone sour.

5. Do not make sex a taboo topic. It plays an integral role in your relationship. Once, a friend was telling me about her experience where she wouldn't feel comfortable with her husband. Instead of telling me, she should have told her husband. But we discussed many issues such as body image, confidence, self-love etc. I've gone through this phase myself. I am turning 29 this year and I still can't convincingly say I love myself. We all have issues but you don't want these issues to impact your married life. I didn't want to write this point because it's a touchy subject. But, then I thought, it definitely needs attention because people don't like talking about it. Sex is an important thing and anyone who is telling you anything different is lying. Putting some attention into taking care of yourself and planning special moments for your partner is very important (applicable to both partners). Intimacy is a beautiful thing. I feel guilty when I mess with my own head in regards to my flawed self, a heavy body and a thousand voices in my head. What's worse is when these emotions start to impact your intimacy and your partner is subjected to it, with no fault of his own.

6. Saying SORRY first.
This is a big one. Let's face it, we are all independent adults that have a unique view point. Sometimes, we don't want to say sorry. However, apologizing is an important aspect in a marriage. The worst thing is when only one partner is held accountable for apologizing every time. This should be equal. Sometimes, even when you're not sorry, just say it. It will save you the couple hours you're going to waste being angry. These sacrifices don't come easy. I NEVER used to say sorry with my hugely inflated ego. But now, I feel satisfaction in apologizing because it allows for honest communication. After saying sorry, I am able to share my feelings and close the chapter. You decide whether you want to do that or sleep in separate bedrooms (I've done both). 

7. If you're going through a rough patch with your partner (been there, done that), do not rely on something else or someone else to fix it. A vacation may not always be the answer. You won't automatically rekindle your love just because you're surrounded by a gorgeous beach. Real life happens in the mundane. Your everyday counts. Buying a house and a car and job promotions are all great - big milestones! But most of your marriage is going to be the little moments. The goodmorning kisses, making some honey-lemon for your sick partner, caressing them when they're sleeping or the random "let's sneak a break from work and meet at this plaza for lunch" type of moments. Life happens in those little moments. Enjoy it all :)

8. Comparison is your worst enemy. No matter what anyone tells you, don't compare yourselves to another couple. It will kill your joy. Do not compare your house, your car, your money, your kids' performance, your marriage, your physical health, or anything crazy that comes to your mind. You have a life of your own. And this X,Y,Z couple has a life of their own. And new couples will always come along; so don't play that game. Also, please give each other some alone time. It's needed. No one likes a whiny partner that wants to cling 24/7. Your spouse can sit in the toilet for 45 minutes - don't ask them what's taking them so long. They're on Facebook, Instagram, and YouTube. OR maybe, there's just running away from you. Come on, we all could be annoying at times (lol).

9. When you buy gifts for each other, give them at least 60 seconds of thought. This is not in relation to Valentine's Day. But seriously guys... (rolling eyes), it's NOT okay to call your wife on her birthday and ask, "What can I get you" while standing at the mall (ahem ahem). Not always, but on important occasions - your gift should convey a message. And gift cards don't convey anything other than "I didn't know what to get you and I didn't wanna push cash in an envelope, so here's a prettier way of giving you CASH." I understand that gift buying can be challenging at times (it is for me as well), however, this is where paying attention to small things comes in handy.

10.  Last, but definitely not the least - loving unconditionally. Having a hand to hold for the rest of your life is a wonderful feeling. Marriage is tough. There are definitely days when you ask yourself, "why did I get married so soon?" I've asked myself this question a lot, lol. However, the blissful moments of achieving milestones together, or just cuddling on the couch on a lazy Sunday makes me think I am lucky to be married to this man. He may not take care of his  dirty laundry but he takes care of me for sure. When you find someone who is worth working for and struggling with, you've found the one.  When he's making me laugh at his stupid, senseless jokes (yes, I still don't find you humorous), all I am thinking is, at the end of it all, I would do it all over again.

Side note to hubby: I didn't wanna make this a cheesy post about you, so I didn't admire you publically. But the only person that really needs to know how I feel about you is YOU.

I love you, babe. Happy Valentine's Day xoxo