I want to write a few things about anxiety and depression. You know... it's much easier having a physical issue that has a medical cure. For example, asthma. I know I have an inhaler and I know I have to use it before strenuous physical activities. That's pretty simple. It doesn't need further understanding or contemplation.
But when one has depression or anxiety, it's a mental issue. It is a lot harder to resolve because it directly correlates with your style of thinking. It is how you basically live your life. It is what your brain tells you and it is what you start believing. This entire attitude is linked to several other factors such as self-esteem and confidence. It hinders you in so many ways from living your life to the fullest. It hinders you from performing to your utmost capability because of the fears you have in your mind. I know I could be so much more, if I let go of certain fears. I know I have the potential to do a lot. But fears don't let you translate your goals into action plans because of the episodes you face with depression.
My response system is stress to all the problems in life. I am never relaxed, and constantly worried. I sometimes have anxiety for petty things in life - like providing an explanation on the phone of why I cannot be someplace I am supposed to be. Look, I don't know why that is but that is just how I have been throughout most of my life. There was a phase in my life when I was the confident girl I always wanted to be but it only lasted a while.
I always had a negative mind and I would like to say that I've altered my thought process a lot in order to think positive first. And it is not an easy change. The credit for this probably goes to the beautiful people in my life, or at least the beautiful and positive people in my life who have always been there for me. I don't wanna mention names here but it is kind of obvious. Then, in the last couple of years, I made some new friends. And some of them have stuck around. The funny thing about depression is... if you look at me at a party or at a meet and greet or anywhere social - I may seem like the bubbliest person around. And because I am writing about depression doesn't mean I am ill and unhappy. I am generally happy, for the most part. But anxiety and depression kind of clench you down in situations where you could be happi-er.
An event that probably marks the onset of a disturbed life or the beginning of depression and low self-esteem is the assault that took place when I was 11. I don't like talking about it anymore because I have pushed past it many many years ago and it doesn't affect me anymore. But for a prolonged period of time, it did. It changes how you look at yourself. Second, my education/career choices have not been the best. I have been lying to myself all these years. Deep down, I am an artistic person. My heart wants to pursue makeup artistry, event management, fashion designing, public relations and such fields where I get to interact with people and make them happy. I still don't have a clue about what I am gonna do in life. And you know what, that's okay. It is taking me a lot longer to figure out things than I anticipated, but at the end of the day... I know I have the credentials to pursue whatever I want. I am not low on grades. I am not a dumb person. I enjoy doing things in 5 different professions rather than just 1. And I think of that as an accomplishment.
The past couple of months have been really tough for me. I stopped writing blogs for those months too because people might think I am seeking sympathy. Let me tell you, I am not. Your sympathy is not gonna do anything for me. When one shares their vulnerable side, people start judging you as weak. I am not weak. I am a normal person. And sometimes, depression fogs over my thoughts and life in general. It's just about getting through the fogginess until you start seeing clearly again. Talking about my feelings has really helped me in the last couple of years. As soon as I start to bottle up my feelings, I know the harm is on its way. The doctors here are so quick to prescribe you with anti-depressants. I have friends who take them. I've never told any doctor that I am battling depression. I have never told my parents that. I have never tried any remedy for it. And I don't usually talk about it. It's my battle with myself and I deal with it on my own.
One thing that has kept me far from falling into depression is activity. Working out is really the best therapy for anxiety and depression rather than pills or alcohol. And I've always told myself to do the opposite of what depression makes you do. I do not lock myself in my room, sleeping for long hours like I used to a couple of years ago. That will only make it worse. I just go right down to my basement, put on some crazy music and dance my ass off. Or, I will sit in front of the mirror and play with makeup and doll-up for a mall trip. Both makeup and shopping make me extremely happy. Spending time with friends and just getting outside does it for me. I am not a phone person and over the last couple of years, I've barely spoke to anyone on the phone. There used to be a time when I had 8,000 minutes in a month's phone bill. Now I barely have 500 for the entire month. Going for a walk really cools me down.
Yesterday, I met up with a friend who is also a personal trainer at one of the prestigious gyms in Canada. I think we are quite similar with our anxiety/depression struggle because he's gone through a lot with his self-esteem as well. And most of it came from bullying. Bullying was a huge part of my middle school and high school life. I've never really been at peace in school. I was constantly talked about for the wrong reasons. People think you're snooty if you prefer being by yourself. People think you're fake if you are friends with maybe more than 2 groups that don't get along. Then, you're diplomatic or a people-pleaser. I've always hung out with odd people because I sensed something in them that other people couldn't. That is the ability to recognize that they might be having similar issues that I am having, and helping them out with it. The conversation I had yesterday as I was getting my physical assessment was a lot to do with mental stuff. I drew him a graph of my weight loss journey categorizing it by the years 2011, 2012, 2013 and 2014. I wrote down what I did each year to lose weight and also wrote down how I regained it. I think we found a common ground as to why everything happened the way it did.The point of this oh very long blog post is.... one is good enough. One should be able to live an enjoyable life without these nonsensical fears that don't let you live. The fear of being socially awkward, the fear of rejection, the fear of not doing well academically or in life, the fear of ending up alone and many more. Anxiety and depression are a constantly struggle and you really have to battle through them otherwise you'll be overwhelmed at all times. Also, you lose out on life. And you only get one, so it's unfair to let the days go by in a sob.
If you sit down and simply it all... you will see it's really not as bad as it sounds in your head. What is the crux of my depression? The fact that I made some bad choices? The fact that I regret some of the things I did in life? The fact that I am realizing that some of my dreams had not panned out like I had hoped? The fact that I have never reached a stable weight in my life? That's it. The flip side: I am 23. I have a long life to fix some bad choices. You cannot reverse them, but you can make sure that your future steps are not regrettable. Weight is an easy thing to lose if you are focused. People make it sound like a big project. My weight has not been a predominant factor of depression or anxiety. I was called fat when I was the weight that I was supposed to be, because I am curvy. I don't have a straight frame. I have a butt, and I have a bust. And that's what a real body looked like back in the 1960s anyway. Every problem has a solution. Every single one. And even though it may seem like the worst is upon you and it's never gonna pass - don't worry, because it has to. Bad days are just symbolic of the good days that are ahead. I have been thinking for MONTHS, coming to terms with a lot of my issues. At the end of the day, I have realized that they all have a solution. And I just need to be positive to apply those solutions practically instead of cooking up stories in my head. So, today... I made some calls to colleges and sent a couple of emails.
I have set goals for this year and I will achieve them. I am not gonna let anxiety ruin this year. This year is to make some good choices and I've already begun. Even though I have been lazy with posting my health blogs, I haven't been completely cheating. I am around the same weight that I last mentioned, so I haven't gained anything in these 2 weeks. I am still drinking my protein shakes and coffees. I just started experimenting with teas too. I got my physical assessment - the real kind! Not the one with numbers, and not the one where a stupid machine determines that I should weigh 125. I will try posting more regular weigh-ins and recipes to keep you guys motivated as well. I apologize for this extremely long post. My thoughts were entirely scattered throughout. I had thought of writing this blog differently but the words just poured out right from my heart. I haven't filtered anything in my mind before writing this post. I hope you guys are happy and healthy.
Lots of love.
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