In yo face.

Hi. This blog is about nonsense things and some heavy truths that I would never tell the world. But today, I have decided to publish all my imperfections and confess whatever makes me feel guilty.
And share with you, what makes us absolutely NORMAL. How many of you do things that you are ashamed of yet never admit? Well, I happen to do many of those. All these experiences and moral awakenings come from making a lot of mistakes. And I bet you can relate to a dozen of these.

So, here I go. I am not even close to perfect. I never say I am. I love my face and my features. But I hate my body. I am over-weight and I was perfectly losing weight (I reached halfway) and purposely gained it all back, avoiding all the hard work I put in. I am very open about my feelings and thoughts. I express myself perfectly. Sometimes, I do things just because they will benefit me in some way. Yes, I am selfish. I am arrogant. Sometimes, I know I am wrong yet I will go on and argue just for the stake of my ego. I barely make "best" friends. I have only had two in my entire life. I shave my legs only when they will show. Even though I look all dolled up in all my Facebook pictures, I go to school looking like shit. I only take pictures when I am dressed up. People say I pass on a bitchy, Canadian girl who will never talk to anyone vibe. I am the complete opposite. If you come talk to me, you will get to know it. I get on with people easily, unless you're an asshole. I was an over-emotional fool who always trusted people easily, and fell in and out of love. Now, I am an emotionless girl who knows where to carefully invest her feelings. I am a spoiled brat. I complain that I don't work. I never actually try finding work. I apply for two days and then I forget about it. I love my parents to death. Nothing will ever be before them in my life. If it was possible to make them live longer by giving away my life, I would slit my wrist on the spot.

I led many guys on in high school and on wards and knowingly broke their hearts because my heart was brutally crushed by a man I went out with for three years. I started to believe all men were dicks and played mind games with them. I never "went out" with them, I was just obsessed with making them fall in love with me. And once they were, I would just kick them out of my life. Just to be spiteful, I decided to study my ass off and be more successful than him - that's how I ended up being in university (not because I loved studying). Whenever I set my mind to something - I achieve it. I act mature and controlled, but inside I am just a little baby. I easily get offended. I don't like jokes about my weight. If you are born skinny, you don't know how it is to insult someone's bodily image and put down their self esteem. I am short-tempered. I wish I could control it but I get angry VERY easily. I have a logic and theory towards everything - that's why I over-think and analyze everything. I hate when a skinny person grabs onto their oh-so-rare flesh and says "I am fat." No bitch, you're bony. Shut the fuck up. What do you know about working out 2 hours in the gym just to lose 400 calories? I slack a lot. I have the potential to get a 90 on every course. I study on THE DAY OF  or the night before a midterm and end up with a mid 70. If I study 2 days in advance, what would I get then? I own so many clothes and wear only 35% of them. I love shopping, ALONE. Sometimes, I befriend others because they have no friends. It's an act of sympathy and not real friendship, but I do it to be nice anyway. I have helped many international students get better with their English and assist them with their assignments without hoping anything in return. The act of giving is nothing to brag about - it's karma. I know it will come back to me someday.

I go to sleep with my makeup on sometimes when I am too lazy to wash it off and wake up looking like I was punched in the eye. I resent finding undergarments for myself. I am a double letter cup size and it sucks balls. Sometimes, I commit acts of hypocrisy just because I can. I waste my life doing a lot of "nothing." I love my best friend and my significant other and would do anything for them. I like to play a mothering role when people are sad, give them hugs, and wipe their tears. I am anti-sex. I procrastinate like a bitch. I am too lazy to even clean my own room. Flirting comes naturally to me, I am a Libra. I love being social. I love talking.

I am overly jealous and I can get very insecure in relationships. The man I marry will be really lucky, yes I am bragging because as I said, I tend to have that motherly caring and loving feel towards the men I love. I do cute things when I am in love, as opposed to the bitchy image I portray sometimes. I dislike girls who talk about their boyfriends 24 hours of the day. I hate to see people cry. I cry a lot to myself. I make a lot of sacrifices in love and never speak of them. The person rarely gets to know what I do on my end for them to be happy. I doubt myself a lot and lack self-confidence. I think I will end up unsuccessful and job-less. I wanna earn a lot of money and do everything I can for my parents. My dream is to buy those super rich houses on Mississauga Road for my parents. I hide my intelligence in front of fobby people, just to make them comfortable and not feel as if I am showing off talking about things they would never understand. I like turning life around. I helped transform a man, and then I broke his heart - I will always be guilty of that. Just the way it is okay for men to treat a slut in a cheap way, I feel man-whores and players should also be treated the same way by women - solely for sexual purposes. I have an open mind yet I am still conservative in many ways. I am never afraid to speak my mind. No one can look at my pictures and say that I am very closely affiliated with cultural beliefs and I respect religion a lot. I know the Hanuman Chalisa, various aarti's and bhajans (because my grandma taught them to me when I was young). I can never look up if I realize someone's checking me out. It's hard for me to make eye-contact with certain people, I get shy sometimes. In high school, I always wanted a lip piercing - I got a fake one and got caught at home. That was the end of it. I was a wanna-be goth in grade 9, under the influence of crazy Evanescence songs I used to listen to (no one probably knows this about me).

I always wanted a tattoo at the back of my neck. But the truth is I am only waiting to lose weight and then get it. I always wanted to go get a tattoo with my love, so I can hold his hand while bearing the pain. When I was a kid, I bossed everybody around. Once, I bullied my neighbor while helping her do her homework and kind of slapped her. I grab on people too easily and let go even faster. .

My closet is constituted of 90% black clothes and the other 10% are pink. I am severely asthmatic. I am a normal girl, like you all, who wants the same things from life as you probably do too. I am a rational person most of the times but an idiot when I fall in love. I am falling head over heels for someone right now. I love singing but I always tell everyone I can't sing. I secretly wanna learn belly dancing when I am able to reach my goal weight, but just ashamed of admitting it because of the way I look right now. I desperately wish to be a career woman - with a government job and settle with a Master's degree in Vancouver, BC.

If you wanna let go of some guilt and burden of your own, that was confiding inside you from so long - you can comment anonymously below. No one will ever know who you are, yet you will "publish" what's been hiding in the dungeons of your heart :) I am who I am, I am proud of myself for being where I am today. I learned my lessons and I treasure my experiences.

And yes, I SHOULD be given some appraisal for being so brutally honest and spilling out absolutely nothing but the truth in this blog post. It takes a lot of guts. Try it for yourself. It may prove as therapy. Think of all the things that you say to yourself in your head, and think about before you sleep, and all the things you wish you could say to someone but couldn't? SPILL them!