Sudden change of 'expectations'

What happens when a person who always agreed to nothing but "serious relationships" falls into the trap of "casual dating?" Usually the switch from casual dating to relationships is considered a difficult one. I am experiencing the opposite. I think I am done, and over with relationships. I really can't handle them anymore.

Being the kind of person who thinks there is no substance in a relationship if it doesn't come with solid emotions, I have began to change my own perspective. I don't know for how long.. but I have. I think I am done with the worries of being committed. I am just so exhausted from the idea of a "perfect relationship." It hasn't happened once yet. Well, maybe once. A long time ago, with someone who I could not be with for personal reasons. You only want things you can't have and you don't care about the people who chase after you, human nature.. right?

Now, with casual dating.. there are other sets of worries. Whether they are into you, if they'll call you again, are they meeting other people as well? Are you exclusive? And if you have been the person who always expects a lot and remains in need for some sort of collateral or security in a relationship, dating clearly isn't the way to go. But I mean, it's much easier in the way that you can always drop the person you're dating if you don't like them. But if you are involved in a serious relationship, you can't just "drop it." You have to stick around and "work" on it. You have to make some serious compromises and keep things going instead of changing your number and moving on.

I always used to disagree with people who said you have to go through the stones to find a gem. Like, how cliche! But I guess, I am starting to believe in it a little. Casual dating makes the divide clear as to what kinds of people you want to avoid and the types you want to be with. I have never been the person to "date" but I might just consider it.

But to be honest with you, I always thought being committed in a relationship was much easier. I still think that way. I think you have a lot less to worry about when the person is committed to you. Then you're just working on "your" (this is the plural your) problems together. But when you're dating, it's more about the individuals and it's hard for me to wrap my head around the idea of not getting a call back from someone. Well, that has never happened to me yet. And usually, I end up being the one to do that. But still...

Maybe both are difficult in their own way. Each of them have expectations and certain grounded rules to get by. But you can't beat the fact that dating is less stressful and not emotionally exhausting unless you're really into the person. I have been feeling a lot less lately. Even if I see someone for a few times, and I decide not to call them again, I can easily do it without even missing them or getting upset. Am I heartless? Or have I just closed the doors to my real emotions because I am so exhausted of it all? Have I also learned to be fake? What is going on here?

I mean, I don't want things to be like this - You meet a guy, it's great, you like him, he's gone. You meet another, you don't like him, you never call him again. You meet the next, you start to understand him, he's gone. Here comes another , he sees potential in you, things progress, and then he's gone again. I don't wanna get on this roller coaster ride. When you are in a relationship, at least things remain constant. You don't have to deal with this flow of emotions that varies from high to low. Writing this blog makes me sound so vague. Because I am confusing myself and I can imagine how you're putting up reading this.

So, I shall stop here with the thought that- I just recently had my heart crushed and that's why I am writing about the entire casual dating issue. I am not suggesting this is a way to recover. I am just saying it's nice to take time out and not think about how heart broken you are and fuck yourself up. I am not excited regarding anything in my so called personal life. I still feel raw and hurt and I am not looking for anything at the moment - period.