1. I don't work.
Yeah, I am turning 21 and I haven't really made the efforts to find a job for myself yet. I am not gonna blame it on anyone. It's my own fault. I came back from India at a time when all the high school students were already out and there was less of a chance for me to get in to the jobs I wanted. I tried looking for a few days, booked a few interviews, and didn't want to work at the places I got calls from. So, that was that. It's August now and only a few weeks left before school.
2. The fact that I am home and did not even take summer school.
Here's the thing: I did take summer school as always! I have been doing summer school since grade 9 and until now I have not gone even ONE summer without courses. I get two months off in the summer each time, and if I am doing a full summer session, then not even that. This is the first summer I have nothing to do and my parents have been on my case regarding that since May! It get's so fucking annoying. I was supposed to pay my fees online from India and somehow I missed the dates because we were in places with no internet for most of the time! So.. big deal, my first summer entirely off since like grade 8! Is it a felony?
3. Chores.
My mom expects me to do everything since I am home. Okay, yes. I am free and I don't have things to do. Remember the blogs I wrote about re-decorating my house and finding one corner to completely clean and re-organize everyday? Yeah, I did that. Now it's too boring! I am done with it. I raised the bar myself *slaps herself* and now she expects me to live up to that. Well, I did it out of complete boredom so I am extremely sorry because I can't handle doing that everyday. I have been cooking nice things for them from the last few weeks, as most of you comment on my Mobile Uploads.
I don't even ask for appreciation anymore. I don't expect it. My parents are the only people in the world who are not satisfied with my weight loss. They barely even acknowledge the fact that I look better than before and that I have made healthier choices eating wise. I am sorry this is a rant. I love them and all but sometimes, it gets really frustrating. My brother is the one who talks back to them and yet he is loved the most. I am the one that just shuts up, and takes it all in. It is SO unhealthy for my mental health. So many incidents have happened in the last week that have pissed me off so much. It was not even my fault more than half the time yet I get criticized and yelled at for no reason. Still, I think... they might have frustrations and it's okay if they get rid of them by yelling at me. I can take that. I have been sitting in my room, not eating from the last three days. If I tell you what I eat the whole day, I will be disappointing myself after writing all those blogs about health and taking care of yourself. I stopped taking my vitamins. I stopped going to gym. I am just in a bad place.And just about an hour ago, I did something very stupid. I left my house. No, that's not the problem. WITHOUT A WALLET! Like, what was I thinking? I didn't eat and I am starving right now. The only thing I ate was a bowl of cereal at 2:00 pm and it's 10:00 pm now. I have gone 8 hours without water or food. I am gonna have to sleep like this most probably. So, I am never the person that walks out. When I get stressed, I sleep on it. I usually just come to my room, think like a mad woman, and go to sleep. Today, I decided to storm out and walked 5 blocks in my PJs. I wish I at least took my wallet so I could have gone to Tim Hortons and ate something! But no, I am such a genius. They didn't even call to ask where the hell I was until 45 minutes! And I know their trick. They probably didn't wanna show me that they're worried because I would do it again, knowing that it pisses them off. So, they acted like nothing happened. I walked in, and said sorry, I needed some air. Well guess what dear parents, I can play that game too! :(
I came back home just now and thought I should blog it out. Because, some of you have started commenting and it makes my day when I read them. Sometimes, others have to knock some sense into you. I might be the one spreading rationality and all sorts of things through my blog but sometimes, I am stupid too. I too need a push sometimes like other human beings. I am just so sad. I don't even know what to do. And, I am starving :(
Hey! I read your blog. I can so relate to what you wrote "I too need a push sometimes like other human beings." Usually, I'm the one who is giving advice to others. But sometimes, we also need a little push.. I can totally understand what you are trying to say. Don't worry, you are not alone!
ReplyDeletei dont understand . why are u so depressed?
ReplyDeleteGet a life. do whatever you like to do and you are too old to live with ur parents. you can move out as simple as that.
To the above,
ReplyDeleteYou cannot just "move out" in cultures like these.
To the blog poster,
Why have you stopped eating, taking your vitamins, and going to the gym?
Your parents probably seem to be a little nicer to your brother because they dont see him for 8 months of the year.
They might not take your weight loss seriously, until they see drastic changes within your appearance.
But, they should offer you little bits of encouragement every now and then. But, whatever, you gota suck it up, take it in, and keep going on.
Not eating does you no good, in fact it puts down the hard work you did to lose those 21 pounds.
As for mental health, theres many incidents in life that are going to be unhealthy for you mentally. You just gota deal with it. Dont ask me how, I have plenty, my ways to deal with them are not exactly right. But you do what you gota do.
Okay, sadly.. I don't know who you guys are.
ReplyDeleteSo Anonymous 1, I read your comment last night and I thought to myself I wouldn't reply. Because it's hard to explain the love and attachment with my house and parents. Everyone has ups and downs, but at the end of the day, I don't "seriously" consider running away.
And to anonymous 2, it's true that our culture does not comply with moving out when you are old enough to support yourself and stuff. But I moved out anyway and lived out for 4 months. It just wasn't for me, given the circumstances.
I appreciate feedback from both of you, but I guess I am my own problem, and I will hopefully figure out a way to deal with it soon.