In Denial

Yeah. I am in denial. I don't believe that God takes away people he loves the most. I absolutely hate it when people say that. For those of you who know me, acknowledge the fact that my uncle was sick and our family is going through tough times.

Noticed the word 'was?' Yeah, not anymore. He has been freed from the pain and suffering. Freed.

It happened when I was studying for my midterm. We got a call from India early in the morning. I heard the phone ring for one bell and someone picked up. My stupid brain didn't bother asking mom in the morning. I was more involved with Hastings and Cornwallis taking over India in the 1770s at that time. I wasn't told on purpose, so I don't end up screwing my midterm.

I did really well on it, was so happy and exhausted from the late night studying at the same time. Came home and crashed. I woke up around 8:00 pm and the news was split. I was in denial. For a mere 40 seconds, I was.Seconds later, I was hugging mom as tightly as I could and....no.. I hate describing grief. It's just not possible for me to put it in words for someone to understand the degree of pain and shock. So, I won't go there.

But I never thought this could happen, at least not to chachu. He was my only chachu, and always been my favorite. A few months ago, I cried and plead to go to India. I am glad I did. The last time I saw him was August 2009. I don't know what I am saying anymore. I just don't have words. His wife, his young kid... why does God do this to us?

I am still in denial. The cremation already took place yesterday. But I am just not ready to believe this could happen to him. He was fine and lively when I saw him. We both listened to music, had fun with Rohan (his child).. went shopping together. What do I have left in that nation? He was the only one in Jalandhar.. the reason I had to visit India. What do I go there for, now?

People are telling me, not to think of him as gone away - but to a better place for his own good. I don't believe it. How can one go away to a place without their family? Without their wife and kids and relatives?
Mom said to me yesterday, "jeena jhooth hai, maut sacchayi hai."
Well, then.. why are we living a motherfucking lie?